Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Some things just hurt.

I try not to complain and I really try hard to keep my woes to myself. But sometimes I just hurt. My heart has been heavy for some time now. I suppose I should go get help, but I'm too ashamed. I shouldn't be because I have asked for help before but for some reason right now, I just can't find the strength to ask for help. So I've been 'self medicating'. Not with medicine of course but with working out.

I've lost a total of 3.5 pounds since January. I am so beyond proud of myself. I'm arming myself with education from a dear friend's husband who is now my personal trainer. He's been training me since October, but I've sort of been a bad girl. Sure I've worked out when I'm not with him, but I wasn't exactly eating right. Now that I'm eating right the weight is coming off. And it feels fabulous and I look fabulous, but my heart still hurts. And to keep my heart from hurting I just workout and avoid people.

I suppose I should just spill what's going on, but it's another 'woe as me' story. Same old same old.

I want a baby.

I'm tired of hearing about my friends' children (not that I don't LOVE every stinking one of them to pieces), it just hurts. Like I get a stabbing, jealous sensation in my heart whenever I hear of something fabulous their child has done (which I'm equally as proud of). I just know that if I had a child of my own, they would be just as fabulous and do wonderful, exciting things. I want that joy of knowing that my child got straight A's on their report card, or that they were asked to the homecoming dance, or they made the basketball team, or they received first chair in band. I want that sense of pride that comes from watching your children achieve their goals.

While I love LW's girls to pieces, they just aren't what I would expect of my own children. I will support Kassidy and Lauren forever, and love them unconditionally, but neither child has drive or motivation. And both, have Mothers who support their unwillingness to push through and find their potential. Quite honestly, I'm exhausted from trying to help them; especially when they don't want it.

Lauren failed her first semester at college and is dating a boy who never graduated high school. She claims to want to do 'this and that', but never puts forth the effort to do so. It's all just a bunch of words.

Kassidy wants to be in volleyball, but doesn't want to commit to it. She'd rather stay home at her Mom's, in bed, on a Sat or Sun, and not commit to meeting new friends and hoaning her skills.

This kills me. I have so many hopes and dreams for them and because I'm not their Mother, and they don't see me as someone who can help them reach their goals, their dreams and potential go down the toliet.

I've tried encouraging them both but both ignore anything I have to say. I want so much for them it's unbelieveable how much my heart hurts from trying. It's like I want to curl up inside of myself and never talk to them again. And I regret a comment I made to LW last night saying "I wish they would have never came into my life." But it kills me. It is physically tearing us apart. I'm embarrassed by their lack of drive. And I'm embarrassed that LW hasn't tried harder to encourage them.

It's all just so overwhelming to me.

We talked more about adopting a baby. He's given me the go-ahead to research it, but I'm scared. Is it the right thing?

I've decided to take a 'break' from the girls. I will do what is necessary to meet their physical and emotional needs in the present, but leave everything else up to them. They have got to want something for themselves. I can't change their behaviours...as much as I have tried.

This is probably the most selfish post that I have ever written, but I need to just get it out. I love my family so much it hurts sometimes.


Allison said...

There are times when it's okay to be selfish and this is one of them. ((HUGS)) It's obvious how much you love those girls and I hope that they can see that someday and understand that you really want the best for them. And I do hope you go ahead and start the research on adoption. Even if you and LW don't go ahead with it right now, researching doesn't hurt.

Julie D said...

Oh boy. Not sure I have any words of advice, at least none I'm willing to post on a public blog, but just know that I'm here if you need to talk...

Emily said...

Alison is right - sometimes you NEED to be selfish. You're one of the most giving and selfless people I know - and I love that about you, but I think in this case, you need to put yourself first.

I think ANY baby needing a family would be the luckiest to have you for a mom.


Aleca said...

I completely understand. If you have any questions about adoption, let me know. There is so much information, but you are guaranteed a child. I would love to chat with you about our experiences with our agency.

Danica said...

@Aleca - can you email me information on where you at least started? simedanica@yahoo.com

I don't even know where to begin! TIA

Unknown said...

Danica, one thing I learned from having Baby Boo in my life is that I was not her mom and she wasn't raised by me so the expectations were different. Even now, talking to her mom, I'm sad because she's a little girl that is so different from the one that I was spending time with. She's a brat, putting it mildly and there is no discipline or boundaries for her or her siblings.

You are right to pull back until they are willing to work hard for what they want. If they have moms who are supporting that behavior, it will always be hard for you to motivate them to change. Hang in there. Really think hard about adoption. It can be the best for the both of you but you both have to want it.

I'm here if you need to talk.

erin said...

sending you lots of love. i wish i could help take at least an ounce of pain away!

LV said...

I hate to hear you are still trying to make some things happen that you know in your heart cannot be. Until you can accept that fact, there are somethings you cannot change, you will just make yourself miserable. If you can change a situation do it, and if not let it go. Life is too short for you to waste your time and energy on what will never be. Children the age of LW's girls have a mind and life of their own. Accept that and let it be. There can be blessings found between you and them but not as your immediate family. The world is full of little ones that need a home and someone to love and care for them. You have to be able to deal with even that. Concentrate on you and LW getting through this in an understanding and loving manner. The rest will take care of itself. I hope I am not stepping out of bounds with you and and I not fussing at you, just concerned that you are dwelling on things you need to let go. Take care.

Julie @ Wally and Jules said...

Big hugs to you, darling! You have been so strong and selfless ever since I've met you. It's absolutely time to put your needs and happiness first. Congrats on the weight loss! You are beautiful both inside and out, but this is a great step towards making yourself a priority. Lauren and Kassidy love you and they'll find their way. Like you said, you will continue to support them as much as you can, but there's a point where it's up to them to determine what they can and will succeed with in life. You are amazing and wonderful and I think looking into adoption would be a great idea for you. Best of luck! If there's anything I can ever do, don't hesitate to let me know.

gayle said...

I remember my daughters at that age and young girls can be very very hard headed. I do think you have to try to let some of this go with the girls or else it will come between you and could cause problems.

Congrats on the weight loss!!
Great idea looking into adoption!