Thursday, January 13, 2011

Tears

I've been a little emotional lately.

More so over the top than I usually am. And it took until just a couple of days ago to figure out why....I'm almost hitting my year mark of never being able to have children. On 1/20 it will have been a year since my hysterectomy.

And it is still unfair.

It still makes me cry.

I'm still reminded I will never have someone call me Mommy.

There will be no one to say "can you fix this Mommy".

No one to say "that's my Mom".

And every day a little piece of me dies. And every day a lot of me finds life completely unfair. For I will grow old with LW and never understand what it feels like to have him hold my hand when our child is born or to hear him say "she looks just like you".

I'm blessed in other ways and I know this.

But being blessed doesn't mean for a tiny fraction of a moment that I can't feel sorry for some of the things that have happened in my life. That I can't waive a fist in the air and scream "this isn't fair". Because it's not fair. Nothing about it ever was fair. And for those that tell me it's fair are those that can look into their baby's eyes at night and see hope, love, happiness. I will never have that opportunity.

My babies all died. And while I never got to hold their tiny hands, or kiss their sweet little faces, each of them lived inside of me, if only for a brief period of time. Each gave me hope. And one by one they each vanished right along with my hopes and dreams for them.

I'm grateful to have Kassidy and Lauren in my life, but it's not the same. It doesn't mean that I don't love them with all that I have though. I would give them the moon if I could.

My life isn't as I expected it to be but it's beautiful in other ways. I love my girls and I love LW. And that DOES matter to me. It's the things I'm missing out on that hurt the most.

Somehow, someway I'll find the strength to move on as I always do but for now I'm going to quietly think about what could have been.

10 comments:

Liz said...

sending you lots of hugs and love!

Emily said...

*hugs*

To Boots and Boomer you're "Mommy" :) I know, not the same... but hopefully it made you smile.

love ya, girl

Jen said...

It's not fair. I'm sorry you'll never experience that.

I know it's not the same, but you could adopt a baby...or even an older child...you could be very special to someone who doesn't have a mommy...

gayle said...

It was so hard for me to read this! I wish I was there with you to give you a hug and just let you talk.

Michael Creations said...

Biggest hugs to you! I can't believe it's already almost been a year since your surgery. I so wish there was something I could do or say to make it all better - unfortunately, I can't. All I can do is send you love and wish you all the best things in life, because you truly deserve it!

Allison said...

((HUGS)) I wish there were words I could say that could take away the hurt. Know that you're in my thoughts and prayers as this painful anniversary approaches.

Tooje said...

Trust me when I say that some of us that are blessed in this way that hurts you so badly KNOW....we are blessed. We realize that not all women get to experience what we have/are....and we hurt for you. I am sorry that this week will come through you and hurt all over again, but I hope that you find peace at the end of it.

I truly sit and wonder...as a mother who has borne her own children...if adopting a baby who has known no parent, could make me feel the same way. And I always answer yes. My heart aches more for those babies than for my own, sometimes. It may not be in the cards for you and LW, I understand that, but if it were....I truly think that blessing and gift could be mutual for you and the child.

Danica, I hope this pain eases so that your life may find a calm and happy place. :) You deserve it.

LV said...

If you were supposed to have children, the good Lord would have seen that you did. He holds us in his hand, and perhaps somewhere down the road you will understand why you did not have children. It may all be for the best. Life is never easy or fair in our eyes. If you can change something do so, if not deal with it and let it go. You are so fortunate and blessed in many other ways. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get on with your life. Life is too short as it is.

Julie said...

No words. Just a hug.

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

You must fill like your hands are full but your arms are empty for holding your babies. I truly do wish that it was different. It's okay to say that "it's not fair" but you know what? It's not fair! I'm sending hugs your way!