Sunday, January 31, 2010

January 2010 Goal Recap

Back in December I set 10 goals I wanted to accomplish in 2010. Now that the first month is over I thought I would re-write a couple and fill you in on the rest. :-)

1. Train to run a half marathon

I was doing great until surgery. Was up to running/walking 2 miles a day. So in 5 more weeks I'll be able to get back to working out. Boo to surgery taking me out for a bit!!!

2. I’m going to have my nails removed.

Okay as much as I wanted to do this, I just can't. I love my nails and I love my nail lady!!! LOL So I'm going to replace this goal with going sky diving. I WILL go sky diving this year!

3. Take one vacation instead of two.

This one is still on track. We are taking one family vacation with Kassidy to Arizona. And then some small weekend trips here and there. We will be in Paris next year!

4. Spend more time crafting gifts and cards.

So far I have hand made all of my birthday cards, anniversary cards, sympathy cards and Valentine's Day cards.

5. Take more classes to work towards my second bachelors degree.

I am unable to go while I am on medical leave from work. I think I might not go back until the fall so that I can focus on running, but I will take a class or two more this year.

6. Not purchase a single pair of pants/shorts/capris (other than PJs – a secret obsession of mine) until I have lost at least 8-10 pounds.

So far I haven't purchased any clothes this year! I did get Ugg slippers from LW as my surgery gift. Greatest slippers ever!!!!

7. Spend more time in the gym with the weights.

I was doing great before surgery. So I'll be back on track in 5 weeks.

8. Pack my lunch every day but once/twice in a month (we have team lunches or birthday lunches at least once a month).

I think I only went to lunch three times in January and that's mostly because people wanted to see me before my surgery. Good to go here!!!

9. Not purchase a new car!

No new car here!!!

10. Track my spending.

I've been monitoring my spending and doing well.

So it seems I'm not as bad as I thought. This blog will certainly keep me honest!

Happy end of January!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

One week post op.

It's hard to believe I'm one week into having my surgery. Last week if you would have asked me I would have thought I would have been more down and out than what I am. I'm working hard to keep my mental focus positive. It's hard but I have zero choice and will NOT feel sorry for myself. I've had great visits with friends, phone calls and texts from friends and family, so I've had no time to really think about the saddness this whole event could cause. Good for me for not letting it all get to me!

I've put myself on a schedule. You have to or you will go crazy. I'm taking it easy the best I know how. I'm learning Sudoku, watching old Roseanne reruns, watching movies and trasy TV, fixing my computer slowly, blogging, reading blogs and trying to dive into a book.

I find the scariest time is when I have to shower. I don't like looking down at a line of stitches in my stomach. They scare the bezeebes out of me! I have one more week until I have to remove the steri strips and when that day comes, LW will be helping me because I'm sure I'll be a big baby about it.

Tomorrow I am going to try to venture out to a friends house for Bunco. I'm excited and nervous. I haven't been out of the house in a week! Stay tuned for how that goes.

Other than that, I'm trudging forward. The only thing that would make my time off better is a huge snow storm that would keep LW home with me! :-) Nothing is better than being cooped up at home watching the snow fall. A girl can dream. :-)

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I am home.

Menopause is for the birds! I suppose it's worse since I was forced into it and didn't get to gently glide right on into the hot sticky mess I have become. I'm hot, I'm cold, I cry, I pout, I feel lonely, I feel sad...I feel silly. I'm swollen like a beached whale. Nothing fits, though I haven't really tried real clothes on because honestly I can barely get my pajama pants over the incision and the swelling.

All went well though.

My surgery was delayed about an hour. When I finally went back it was all a whirlwind. No time to cry or feel sorry for myself. I had just enough time to kiss LW and my BFF goodbye before I was wisked off to never never land. When I awoke things were hurting like all get out. Thank god I was on a pain pump. Life would have sucked without one!

Once I made it to my room I cried when I saw LW. Not because of what I just went through but because of the look in his eyes. Recovery went on longer than they expected and I heard that worried him. I made LW go home that first night because I was really just in a sleepy mood. I vagually remember my brother stopping by with flowers, or a phone call from my friend Amy, or even my friend Chris stopping by. My breathing was labored through the night and I had to be on oxygen. Apparently I had stopped breathing a couple of times which set off a bunch of alarms. Who knew.

The next day was hell. I had everyone and their mother checking my incision, checking my vaginal bleeding and making me get out of bed. UGH The worst part! But I managed. The doctors had a hard time settling on pain meds for me as it seems I am allergic to the world. I ended up on Darovoset which turned out to be the death of me. I was fine in the hospital with the meds, but once I got home I was right back in urgent care with a horrid drug allergy.

I was no more than one day home when LW had to rush me to urgent care because my hands were swollen, my feet were swollen and my inner thighs were swollen...puffy, red, gross, itchy. Seems about the only pain meds I can take are Dilodid and Morphone. Go figure I'm a hard core girl. The urgent care prescribed delodid, which in pill form, outside of a hospital, is hard to find. I bet LW called 10 pharmacies before he found one that stocked the medicine. By that time I was screamining in pain.

As far as today though I'm better. Sore, tired, bloated, trying to do too much. Tomorrow will be a week since I have had surgery. I hate being down. This is NO vacation. I'm a ball of a mess. Not because I can no longer have babies, but because it's such an emotional process. This is the toughest journey yet I have had to face.

But LW has been so amazing! Infact he has been hovering. He went to work yesterday but I think he felt terrible so he stayed home today. On my first day home from the hospital he had gotten me Ugg slippers. Talk about an amazing man. Those slippers are the bomb when you're feeling down and out.

I'm so blessed to have found LW. Life is complete with him in it. I learned so much about how far reaching his love is. It's something special when you look into your partner's eyes and you can see the pain they are feeling when you are at your worst. He knew there was nothing he could say or do to fix the situation. But knowing he loved me was all I needed.

I should add that the worst part about the hospital stay was I was on the maternity floor, with my room being right across from the nursery. Hurtful, yes. Hard, yes. Hateful, I don't think so. I just think they wanted to keep me where my doctor was making her rounds, altough they could have put me at the empty part of the hall. But what's done is done. LW is none too happy about it though and has talked with the patient advocate about it at the hospital. So hopefully someone else will not have to go through what I did.

Anyway, this has turned into a book.

I'm home.

I'm going to be fine in time.

And I have the bestest friends (and some family - long story - my sisters forgot about my surgery) I could have asked for. Thank you for all of the prayers and support!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Week 3 Stats/Refocus

Weight = 2.5 lost (total of 6 pds in two weeks!)
Running/Walking = 4.10 miles walked/ran
Weights Lifed = 1 day lifted
Days at The Gym = 2 days
Days in the sauna = 2 days

So all in all I’m coming along nicely with the workouts and weight loss. I could have worked out more but I have been so busy getting ready for my surgery….getting the house cleaned and organized, etc. I want to make things reachable and handy as I’m told I won’t be able to do much stretching for awhile.


My surgery is tomorrow. With that said I have decided to refocus my life……

After today I will no longer be that girl who will be TTC.

After today I will no longer be able to be a Mom to any biological children.

After today I will no longer take a birth control pill to ease the pain I have with endo.

After tomorrow I will be re-focusing my life.

I can sit around and feel sorry for myself….spend hours blaming my parents for my endometriosis….wonder what I could have done differently to change the outcome of my fertility…yell and scream at God for making me defective….cry, pout, whine.

But I can’t…and I won’t.

I am being challenged in ways I never thought I could handle. I’m going to have to learn how to live this new life, because truly it will be a new life.

I’ve started to focus on running and working out. The second the doctor releases me back to the gym, my main focus will be on my fitness. I am going to take control of me, because for the first time since I was 21, I will be free from pain. Free from the constraints that endo placed on my life.

I will still hurt emotionally. And that will take time to heal. With friends announcing their pregnancy’s right and left, and babies being born to friends and family at a constant rate it seems, things will be hard. There is no denying that. But if it’s one thing I refuse…I REFUSE to feel sorry for myself. God made me this way for a reason.

I will survive. Maybe a little heartbroken at first, but I will survive.

My saving grace is my positive attitude, the support from my friends and family, and two of the best future step daughters I could have ever asked for.

I will be gone from blog land for awhile. Hopefully after a couple of weeks I will return and tell you all about it; with my new positive attitude.

Until then, I’ll be working my tail off to get released in a timely manner from the hospital and then I will be buried on the couch surrounded by trashy TV and gobs of DVDs and books. Hopefully LW saw the signals I was flashing and purchased a pair of Ugg slippers that I have been dreaming about. A girl can dream, right?

A big shout out goes to my besties who took time out of their busy lives to take me to dinner on Sunday. I felt so honored, loved and appreciated. It’s not every day a girl has her insides removed ya know, so knowing I had their support was amazing. They came armed with casseroles, soup, snacks, magazines, a gift card for pizza, socks, and even a Scor Pal for when I am up and functioning! For those that don’t know, a Scor Pal is used for crafting cards and I’m pretty sure you could use it on scrapbooks too. It’s amazing! Thank you ladies! I love you all!

Today I’m fasting on liquids…ugh so not fun if you ask me. It’s my final day at work. Thank you to my blog friends for your continuing support. I’ll see you on the other side!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Job Update

I realize I never posted the decision I made on the jobs that were presented to me. Honestly that’s because I was a slacker and didn’t discuss my decision with management until Monday and Tuesday of this week. Oppsss I gave myself a little extra time.

I choose to stay in my current position.

I’m happy with my choice. And so is my boss! HA

The other manager was graceful and wished me much success.

I’m looking forward to the future on my team as my role will be changing once I return from medical leave. I’m willing and ready to lead a new process improvement initiative and excited for what skills I can bring to the team.

So wish me luck! I’m gonna need it!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

For a Reason

Things totally happen for a reason.

Remember my ex-boyfriend Shawn that I was dating during and after my separation/divorce? Well some of you may remember him (Julie I see you twisting in your seat!!!!), some may not…it was a nasty break up and he just plain wasn’t for me even though we had been friends for years (lesson learned, never date your friends!). I’m being kind because I do not want to bring up the past. It’s there for a reason.

Well we talked yesterday for the first time in probably 6 months. Every now and then I send him an email to catch up. I never hated him, I just stopped loving him and we just stopped working together. We were never on the same page of life. I was always 10 pages ahead. For as long as I can remember I was always finding guys that were never on the same page as me; of course until I found LW. Although most days I feel like I’m one page ahead of him, but one page is better than 10 pages. :)

Anyway Shawn is one big hot mess. After we broke up (over three years ago) he hasn’t dated long term, is disowned by his family, got back into drugs, got back off of drugs, in and out of rehab, almost lost his job, is mentally and physically drained…and just plain unhappy with life.

That could have been my life had we stayed together.

I’m a firm believer, that while our break up was nasty, it was meant to be. I could not imagine living my life with someone so out of control. It was great to talk to him but it saddened me that he let his life become what it is now. It proves we are the only ones in control of our happiness. He had so much potential. Underneath that tough exterior is really a good person, but not the person for me.

I’m grateful every day that I have LW….he’s stable, positive, loves the things I love (except for dogs!), has a great family, has wonderful friends, has beautiful, loving daughters, great job, has hobbies and a good life. I couldn’t have asked for anything more.

Things definitely happen for a reason….and I’m so happy they do!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Week 2 Stats

Weight = 3.5 lost
Running/Walking = 1.11 miles walked
Weights Lifed = 0 days lifted
Days at The Gym = 1 days

I have been so sick this last week. I actually even missed a day of work. This sinus infection killed me last week. Thankfully I'm feeling better so hopefully I'll have more time to work out this week, although I probably won't since I'm getting in family time and dinner with friends before I'm off for surgery. Gotta have some fun before I'm down for the count.

All in all I didn't do bad in the weight loss area. I think those first few pounds are easy once you change your diet. It's the last 10-15-20 that are always the hardest. I'm terribily disappointed that I was not able to run or walk more than I did. My chest was so congested from the sinus fluid (gross I know).

I plan to head to the gym tonight, so we'll see what I'm able to get done this week.

Happy Monday!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Job Opportunities

When it rains it pours…..

For a long time I have been unhappy with my position at work. Not because of what I do, but who I reported to. I had been in my position for almost 7 ½ years doing the same thing day in and day out. I loved what I did and I loved the manager that hired me. Over the 7 ½ years I was in that position I had four different managers, the last one being someone who was difficult to work with. He hated our team. He treated us with disrespect and made our lives pure hell (there are many times I could have gone to HR over his comments). He was as evil as they get. I have never in my life worked with a manager who was so difficult.

So then in October there was the opportunity to leave my team and move to another team, totally leaving behind the technical work I did before. But at that point, I would have done anything to get out from under the evil manager. I absolutely love my new manager. She’s amazing, thoughtful, commanding and envisions the future….something I never had with my previous manager. I don’t absolutely love what I do, but I love the people I work with. I love my team. I love the communication we have on our team. And I love the respect and support I get from my team and manager. This is not my forever dream job, but it’s a job and I’m grateful.

But now I have two wonderful job opportunities that have been presented to me.

One is to lead the help desk and work side by side with the manager on building process and procedures to help support the team (something I am working on my second bachelors degree for!). I would be second in command to my manager and would be the liaison between the business and the IT areas. A definite promotion is in my future if I can prove I have the leadership skills. I was sought out for this position by the manager himself. He even pulled me aside yesterday to give me more information.

The second position is to lead the process improvement to move an application onto our test team, which is a team my manager just took over. Right now I am the lead on that project and building process diagrams and future state diagrams to present to the management team. I’m excited about this endeavor. Testing is my forte…something I am good at and something I love. My manager has promised me a spot on the testing team as the lead for this application (my old application that I supported for 7 ½ years!). I couldn’t be more happier about this, however this position does not have potential for a promotion…at least not yet.

So what’s a girl to do? It’s not about money, but it is. I’m trying to command my future financially. I don’t necessarily want to climb the corporate latter, but I’d sure like to bump up a position or two. Both positions have to be approved through the AVP (associate vice president) because they are not hiring externally for these positions so for all I know both could be shot down. But in the mean time I’ve been asked to make a choice.

I have until the end of the week to decide. Oh.My.

What will I do?

Monday, January 4, 2010

2010 Check-In

Okay folks so now is the time to lay it on the line. I should have done this on Friday, but we have been without a computer until late Saturday. My computer decided to crash on NYE. But I was able to get her working again but it took a few days. And yesterday...wasted day. I was sick as all get out. I'm recovering today and at work, but should be in bed. LW says I'm pushing myself too hard but I'm not one to lay around the house...even when I feel bad. But I'm up and feel rather okay. Even heading to the gym for a walk tonight.

Sunday was the start of my financial and physical journey for 2010. I woke up having gained three pounds over Christmas, or was that because of all of the yummie Italian food I ate the day before at a baby shower? But none the less I weighed in at my second highest weight in the last two years! Crap.

I will be weighing myself every Sunday (reporting it on Monday). I know Sunday might be a crappy day, but it will keep me honest over the weekends as I sometimes find that I over eat on the weekends if I weigh myself during the week.

I also stuck to my 1,400 calorie diet yesterday and have done amazing today. I plan to eat more once I get my workouts going. I wanted to be at the gym yesterday but my cold slowed me down. Today I can't start my running on the treadmill since I'm still winded with my cold. I do plan to walk though and sit in the sauna. So I'm starting...just a lot slower than I had wanted.

Starting Physical Stats:
Weight = 0 lost
Running/Walking = 0 miles ran/walked
Weights Lifed = 0 days lifted
Days at The Gym = 0 days

Financially I took a punch in the gut once I balanced my check book from Christmas. Boy did I go all out. But I have my spreadsheet going and I'm on day four of tracking my spending. I've decided to look at the month in whole, not look at my money weekly. This will help me to plan better. And I'm okay saying no to doing things when the budget gets crunched. I'm all for living in the here and now, but it sure would be nice to take that trip to Paris next year. And that is far more important than eating lunch in the cafe at work everyday or eating out every night.

Let the journey begin!