Monday, August 31, 2009

Family Gathering

Before you ask "Where are the pictures?" I will say, my sister requests her picture to NOT be taken due to skin cancer. She's had part of her nose, ear and lip removed, thus the reason I usually never have pictures of my siblings.

I digress.....

My family is dysfunctional. We rarely get together. It's sad but true. And now that Mom has passed we spend less time togther. I will say though, that my brother and I are close. That could be because of our age. We are closer in age than we are with our sisters. Plus my sisters have a different Dad. So they grew up together and my brother and I grew up together.

I am one of four children.

Kathy is the oldest. She just turned 50 thus the reason for the family gathering this past weekend. She has a daughter (who is married) and a granddaughter. So that makes me a great-aunt! She's been married to her husband for 29 years.

Karen is my next oldest sister (she's 46). She has a son who graduated high school last year and has been married to her second husband for 8 years. She also has three step-children.

Dannon is my little brother by a whole year and a day (he's 35). He's been married for 15 years and has three children. He's one of my best friends. We are by far the closest out of all of the kids.

As for our gathering this weekend we were all together. My niece's husband wasn't there nor was my oldest nephew, but for the most part, it was the first time we had all gotten together since Christmas. It was so nice. I miss my family. I wish we were more like a family, but we're trying. So much has happened to us with my sister's cancer, my Mom passing, my oldest sister and I not speaking for a few years and the other family mess that is going on that I have had to stay mum about.

I truly appreciate my family and I hope they know that. Dysfunctional or not, I know I could count on all of them to be there for me if I needed them. And I know, whether they say it or not, that they love me. That is what is important.

I know I'm blessed because at least I have them.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Pub Crawl

Last night I met my friend Freda and her daughter for dinner at this place called The Pub. It was by far one of the most coolest places I have yet been to in Columbus. The wait staff wear kilts! The whole time I was there though, I was wondering what the men thought about wearing kilts? Do they wear tighty whities under their kilts or do they wear boxers? The questions in my head were endless. And as much as I wanted to ask our waiter what prompted him to apply at a restaurant where you have to wear a kilt, I did not ask. I swear it was on the tip of my tounge though!

At The Pub there was a party room that had taps for beer right on the table. The waiter explained the whole process (long story about how there are no kegs under the table, but the lines run under the floor) and I must say, I want to have my next birthday there!!!! Imagine not getting up from your table to serve yourself a beer? How great would it be to pull down on the tap and have a nice cold beer in your hands within seconds? It truly is the little things.

After dinner we stood outside of the restaurant and watched Freda's nephew play his guitar and sing on this tiny stage by the fountains. Damn that boy has some pipes. He was awesome and he played songs I hadn't heard in years. I swear I was on my feet dancing! The weather cooperated, so it was a very lovely evening all the way around.

So if you're ever in Columbus you must stop by the Polaris Fashion Place and take a peek into The Pub.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Living in the moment.

It’s funny how one moment can change your life forever. In that very moment you wonder what lies ahead. Where will this winding road of life take you? Will I fall off of a cliff blinded by the darkness ahead? Will I always let the sunshine in?

When my Mom passed I swore I wouldn’t let things get to me and I was no longer going to let life pass by. I made promises to myself that I didn’t keep although I swore I would keep them. Many of my darkest days in my 36 years of life were during the six months after my Mom passed.

And now today I’m making those very same promises, for very different reasons, after being in the hospital with LW this past weekend.

Life is too short to spend it not doing something you love and not being with your loved ones. I remember a date I went on one time. It was so out of the ordinary but it made me laugh and giggle like a little girl.

We flew a kite.

We purchased this great big kite and had a picnic lunch. While the date turned out to be a jerk, it was the freedom that came from flying the kite that I remember the most. Running along the pond with the kite whipping through my hands. That was a happy moment. The moment that I will always remember and cherish. I was free as a bird, living in the moment, loving how peaceful it was for me.

So from now on I promise to fly my kite high enough for the world to see. I promise to find peace with my decisions and happiness in my soul.

Nothing is as important as friends and family. Nothing.

Every day could be the last. And I don’t want to always wonder what could have been. Ever.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Creations

Recently I've ordered some fabulous products that were made by people I know. These ladies are so darn talented. So if you're interested in their products and what they have to offer, you should stop by and place an order.

From Jody I ordered a "Baby on Board" sticker for my friend who is having her second baby. They are so cute and so much nicer than those nasty yellow ones in the stores.

From Erin I have ordered a Buckeye banner for my BFF's birthday, a hair band for my BFF's daughter, and hair band buttons for Kassidy. Love them!

From Sarah I have ordered a taggie blanket for my neighbor last year who had a baby. And Sarah also made the NKTOB tshirts my friends and I wore to the concert. All so cute!

I have not yet ordered anything from Jan but there are so many cute things she has listed!

I also have not ordered from Steph M yet, but her creations look amazing as well!

If you love crafty people, stop by these ladies blog and shop around. You're in for a treat!

Sunday, August 23, 2009

This weekend our life changed....

I'll start from the beginning....

Thursday night LW admitted to me that he had been having chest pains since Weds. My instinct was to stop what I was doing and rush him to the hospital. He wasn't having it. He said that if he felt bad on Friday that we would go straight to the hospital. Friday morning he said he was fine. Friday after work he asked me to please take him to the hospital. The chest pains had gotten worse.

As much as I wanted to yell and scream at him for being so thoughtless about his health, I went into a mode I has only visited when I was caring for my Mom in the hospital. When we arrived at the ER they immediately took him back...there was no waiting and thank God because the ER was PACKED with people.

He was rushed into an EKG, which turned out to be fine. However his blood pressure was 187/120. Dangerously high. Since his heart checked out okay, they sent us back to the waiting room, where we waited for about 45 mins for him to get a bed in the back.

After blood work came back negative the doctor then ordered nitrogen to get his blood pressure down. It took two doses to get in down, but along came the most horrific headaches he said he has ever had. For that he was given morphine. Didn't help. Nothing helped his headache. My heart ached for him. For the first time ever I watched LW suffer. Nothing I could do or say could fix the pain he was in.

As I sat there with him waiting for him to be moved to a room, my heart became heavy. I remembered sitting next to my Mom while she had her chemo treatments. I remembered the frantic calls I made to family memebers each and every time my Mom was rushed to the ER. I remember what it felt like losing her. How a part of me was lost and lonely. I remembered what it felt like to not be able to do a damn thing to help her.

And there I sat watching LW not knowing if his blood pressure would cause a stroke. Not knowing if I would ever marry this man. I was so overcome with emotion. At that very moment I learned just how deep my love for LW ran. How I don't want to live the rest of my life without him. How I will do whatever I can to get him through this.

My love is that deep.

After he settled into a room I went home to pack him a bag. I slept as best as I could and headed to the hospital bright and early the next day so that I could talk to the doctors. He did well over night and if his stress test came out fine and his BP stayed down he could go home. All turned out well so around 5:30 in the evening he was discharged. The best day ever.

We talked when we got home. How we need to eat better and exercise more. We are going to do everything we can to change some of the things in our life for the better. In those very long 24 hours we learned so many important things about us, our relationship, and how we can get through anything so long as we do it together.

I am blessed to have him in my life. Every day I'm going to remind him of that.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Life altering decision.

The time has come where I have admitted that I will never have a child of my own. I’ve had three failed pregnancies, several heartbreaks while testing over the years, and a disease that has crippled my reproductive system. I could try IVF or IUI but I don’t want to do that for numerous reasons, so I am officially throwing my hat into the ring.

LW doesn’t want anymore children and I knew this by the second date. I never wanted to change his mind; I just needed to understand what I wanted. It took me 15 months of dating him to understand what I wanted.

It’s not that I don’t love children, because I do. It’s not that I think I need to live my life by what LW wants. I just need to do what is right for me…my health is more important.

I’m tired. My left ovary is shot. I pop mild pain medicine on an almost daily basis. As I sit here and type this, my left side is in pain. Not excruciating bone crushing pain, but enough pain to make me tired. I don’t think people understand how debilitating endometriosis can be. My oldest sister and my mother both had hysterectomies in their early 30’s. I’m now in my mid/late 30’s wondering why I have waited so long to find comfort.

In the past my doctor has suggested a partial hysterectomy. At the time I put it off because I was single AND I was unsure if I wanted any children. I always thought I wanted children. I went through some treatments to try and get pregnant, none of which have obviously worked. Then I got divorced and had to re-evaluate my situation. Do I adopt? Do I go to a sperm bank? Do I find a man good enough (and willing) to be my child’s father? And then I fell in love. I fell head over heels in love with a man who has two beautiful daughters, who never, not once led me on; who told me he doesn’t want anymore children. I respect his honesty. So I spent the next 15 months figuring out if I really wanted children or did I just like the idea of children? I come from a long line of women on my dad’s side of the family who are childless.

So my decision is to schedule an appointment to have my left ovary removed. The doctor said I can still get pregnant with one ovary, although MY chances are greatly decreased. So I also plan on talking to her about tying my tubes to prevent any ‘accidents’ (like that would ever happen!). LW told me he would bite the bullet and get the big “V” done, but like I told him….”If she’s going to be in there removing an ovary, she might as well tie the rest of me up.”

It was a hard realization and I’m sure as the date ticks closer I will lose some sleep over it and I will be a soggy, emotional mess. But I want to do it. No one is forcing me. In fact up until yesterday I had never discussed this with LW. I honestly just want to feel good again. I want to feel healthy. I want to stop crumbling over in pain. I want to stop the birth control pill. I want to live and not say I can’t do something because I don’t feel well. Most days it takes everything I have to commit to exercise. To commit to NOT laying on the couch because my side hurts so badly I could throw up. I’m tired of having laparoscopy’s to’ clean out’ the endio. I am thoroughly and utterly exhausted.

My hope is to process this all over the weekend and to make the call on Monday. I’m praying for the strength to do this. I NEED to do this…for ME.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

No time for blogging!

We have so much going on this last bit of summer that blogging and reading blogs hasn't been a priority. BOO I'm busy at work now so there is little time to read while working, unless I've taken a lunch, at which point I'd rather be sitting outside reading than at my desk on my computer.

Updates:

LW had a birthday and we celebrated with a fancy dinner and drinks.

My BFF Nichole had a birthday yesterday. Love you!

My sister is about to be 50.

The bathroom remodel is underway at home. The guest bath is the first one he started, then it's on to the master bathroom.

We've had a family reunion and class reunion on LW's side (Need to get those pictures posted).

We are planning our trip to Arizona next year. Lauren just told us when she will be graduating.

We went to a neighborhood block party where everyone drank all day and night and I ended up sunburned.

We are considering a trip to Las Vegas or somewhere for a long weekend before the year ends. Just gotta nail down a date oh and a place.

Work is busy for both of us, which is wonderful. I'm blessed to have a job.

School starts in a month for me and I cannot wait. I'm ready to learn something new.

LW is going to work on getting picked up next year in basketball officiating for the MAC conference, which would be awesome, because those gigs pay with commas if you catch my drift. And I've been told I get the first check! WOOT WOOT

Everything is great at home. Just busy. Busy, busy, busy.

I hope everything is going swimingly with all of you.

Happy Wednesday!

Friday, August 14, 2009

Happy Birthday Lawrence

Today is my significant other's birthday. We won't mention age because today in the car he told me he was 29 AGAIN. Far be it for me to correct him and tell him that he actually turned * * today and that in 11 years he can retire.

A lot has changed with us since his last birthday.

- We've celebrated a year of dating together
- He's moved in
- His daughter stayed two months this summer with us
- We said "I love you"
- He met my entire family
- I met his entire family
- We've gone on four vacations
- He's gone to the cemetary with me to lay flowers on my Mom's grave
- He went to my Mom's church with me and held my hand while I cried

It's been such a wonderful progression in our relationship over the last year.

This morning I gave him a gift certificate to get a full body, one and a half hour, massage from Charles Penzone's Spa. He was giddy and can't wait to go. Tonight we are meeting some friends for dinner at a super nice restaurant in downtown Columbus, then afterwards we are meeting some other friends for drinks.

I love you baby. I hope you know just how very much you mean to me.

Happy Birthday

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Work Place DRAMA

The team dynamic is down at work.

The mood is sour.

The air is musky.

And my co-worker declared she has no friends at work.

::sigh::

How do you turn a negative person into someone who thinks positively and shows team spirit?

I’m struggling at work lately. Not because I hate my job (although I do think I’m better suited to do something else thus the reason I’m going back to school), but because some team members (one in particular) have become so negative that they are IMPOSSIBLE to work with. Said team member, hoards all of the work, doesn’t talk to anyone much anymore, never has anything nice to say, and the list goes on and on and on.

I understand she’s not happy at work. It’s a dog eat dog world in IT these days. Projects are few and far between. We are fighting for work and we are fighting to make a name for ourselves. I understand when put in that situation, that team dynamic’s can change, people’s attitudes go south and negativity flares like wild fire. BUT does that give you the right to treat me like any less of a person? Should you flash your rudeness for all to see? I remind myself that rude, negative people are the first to go when re-orgs happen. And where I work…re-orgs happen every year at the very minimum.

I’m trying to remain positive…keep my hopes up. Our future is bleak at work and I get that, but you know what? I still come into work every day, hold my head high and try with all I have to portray a positive energy. So when I walk by said co-worker’s desk every day, I say HI and keep on trucking. I don’t need to be sucked into an energy that would only bring me down.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Everything is still and quiet at home.

Yesterday was the first full day without Kassidy around. I must say it was a little sad in our house.

I spent all day home alone as I decided to take a day off of work to do 'me stuff'. Turns out I cleaned the house from top to bottom because my OCD self can't enjoy a day at home if the house is dirty. I also made a trip to Lowes to pick out the tile for my bathrooms as I'm having my masterbath and guest bath floors tiled, showers and tubs tiled and sink tiled. I can't wait for the Handy Man to start his engines on Monday.

I digress....so needless to say I cooked dinner, and we sat in the living room in front of the TV. Something we NEVER did with Kass. We always sat at the kitchen table and laughed and talked about our day.

Something was different...or should I say, life returned to how it was before Kassidy stayed two months with us.

It was quiet.

It was so peaceful.

It was slightly sad.

I miss the fast pace she created in the house. We were always on the go, every.single.night. But last night, LW fell asleep on the couch while I surfed the Internet and watched old Roseanne reruns. Pathetic.

Soon basketball and volleyball season will start and LW will be off to his officiating duties, leaving me quietly behind in the dust. Don't feel too sorry for me though, I'll actually be going back to school for a second bachelor's degree in the fall, so I'll need the alone time to get the homework done.

We won't have Kassidy at the house until NEXT weekend, which seems forever away. While I welcome the quiet time with LW, I had FINALLY gotten use to having that little bugger around. I like the help she provided, the reality checks she gave me, and the other side of LW that she brought out.

This week will be interesting as we fall back into our 'normal' routine.

I'm curious to see what we find as 'normal' again.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Kassidy is going home.

It’s hard to believe that on Monday morning Kassidy will be heading back to her Mom’s house full time. For those who are new to reading my blog, Kassidy is my boyfriend’s daughter (10 years old), who stayed most of the summer with us. I have no children myself, so it’s been one hell of a ride this summer.

It has been a bitter sweet summer. I learned a lot about parenting someone else’s child; about my patience and tolerance levels; about my love for a man and his children; about how I can’t imagine life without these two. I also learned that it’s okay to want to be alone sometimes. Oh and that it’s okay to say NO.

I’m kind of sad at the timing of her going home though. LW’s birthday is on Friday so I hadn’t had a chance to take Kassidy out to get her Dad something and with us being gone this weekend to a family reunion AND a class reunion (LW’s 25th), there won’t be time. We did stop at the store yesterday to get cake mix so we plan to bake a cake for him on Sunday when we get home from Springfield. Last night we even stayed up late so that she could hand make him a birthday card. But LW being LW, he didn’t tell me Kassidy was going back home to her Mom’s until just yesterday…so the timing was off as usual. But I still love him.

There have been some great moments with Kassidy this summer, and some not so great moments, but it all comes with learning how to deal with a 10 year old. I’m not a parent, but I had to act like a parent and that was hard. Some days it was hard to say NO, other days it wasn’t tough at all. Some days she liked me, some days she didn’t. I had to learn to put my emotions aside and recognize that she is only 10….10 going on 20 actually (as with all little girls, they try to grow up too fast).

We had our moments where we were verbally sparing each other, and we had our moments where we came together for her Daddy and said and did the right things. She’s at that age where she can make the decision if she’s going to like me, tolerate me, love me, care about me, or just plain hate me. I’d like to think we’ll never reach the hate stage, but coming from divorced parents myself, it’s likely she may just learn to tolerate me.

I know LW well and I know he’ll be consumed with sadness once he has to resort to the every other weekend rule. I don’t like to see him sad…it truly breaks my heart. You can see how much he loves his girls (for those that don’t know he has an older daughter Lauren who lives in AZ with her Mom). His voice started to crack a little last night when he was telling me this was her last week with us.

It’s been one wild ride this summer. I’m hopeful, for LW’s sake, that he can work out arrangements to have Kassidy every other week, not just on the weekends. It’s something he is starting to think about, so good for him. I’ll support him no matter what my feelings are on the subject. When I said I’d love him forever that included his children too. For better or for worse, right?

Monday, August 3, 2009

No Change

There is no change in my family situation. I spoke with the family member earlier today and he/she told me of his/her plans, problems, fears....

Continue praying. Please.

This is the last thing my family needs after losing our mother to cancer a year and a half ago.

Sometimes I wonder if this person is strong enough to survive.

I choose not to devulge too much info for fear it could be used against him/her in court if it ever got that far, which sadly it might.

::sigh::

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Pray Hard

My family needs your prayers. Without going into too much personal detail, I have a member of my family who is going through a terribly rough time.

Kids are involved.

Dissolution/divorce is inevitable.

Crushing blows all the way around.