Thursday, October 1, 2009

A decision has been made.

I’m saying good-bye to being a Mommy of my own children.

Yesterday I went to the doctor and the news was grave. It’s time to remove my left ovary and my uterus. I knew it was coming I just didn’t expect to lose my uterus in the process.

I go back on October 30th for an ultrasound to see if the doctor can ‘stage’ my endo. I’ve never been staged before so I have no idea what level my endo truly is. Once I’m staged, if she can even stage it using an ultrasound (sometimes you can’t see endo on an ultrasound), I’ll be preparing for surgery. I want to wait until January. I want to get through the holidays happy, as removing my uterus will throw me into menopause and we all know how happy our Mother’s were when they went through the ‘change’.

I have lots of mixed emotions.

Do I want to be a Mom? You bet.

Do I want to be a Mom of an infant at 36? No way.

Will I be happy that I will finally be pain free after 15 years? Hell yes!

Is a part of me sad that I can’t bond as a parent with LW? It’s crushing beyond comprehension.

When I was alone last night on my drive to get my nails done, I cried. I didn’t want to cry in front of LW because I don’t want him for one second to think that he has influenced my decision, because he has not. He does not want anymore children and I’m okay with that. I knew his decision long before we committed to each other. I am choosing to do this….to make this change in my life. I am doing this for me. This is what is best for my health and I have made this decision under the care of my doctor. None the less it is still heart breaking and a tiny part of me will always be jealous of those who have children of their own. I’ll never have someone call me Mommy. I can’t tell you how much that hurts.

Yes I know I can adopt but I’m past that part of my life as well.

I am in this situation for a reason…a reason that only God knows about. For that, I pray for strength and peace.

16 comments:

Colleen said...

My dear Danica... I am sure I can't comprehend what's going through your head and your heart right now, but I want to tell you that I love ya and I'm here if you need to talk! :) You definitely won't be less of a woman without a child of your own, but I understand the disappointment. Hugs!!! xoxo

Allison said...

((HUGS)) thoughts and prayers for you. What a horribly difficult decision to have to make.

Coloradolady said...

What a hard decision to have to make, I am sorry you are having a tough time....pray about it and ask for peace....take care.

Tammy said...

:(

:hugs

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

That has to be such a heartbreaking decision but courageous too. I hope that you will embrace and love on LW's girls and realize that you are a mommy with being in their lives. Don't short change what they mean to you.

I hope the pain goes away soon.

Kristen said...

I wish I had some wise words or comment to make you feel better, but I just don't. I'm so sorry. Hoping you keep your head high, as you are such a great person.

Erica said...

PLEASE rethink this! First off, there's no way to stage endo w/out surgery, you can't see it on ultrasound. Second, having a partial hyster doesn't mean your pain will go away!!!!! Although your Dr. might be a good one, there are a ton of Docs out that that know next to nothing about endo. It's incredibly complicated, and there is a lot of false information that gets thrown around.
I cannot stress this enough, you need a 2nd opinion! I belong to support groups, and there's always a few women like yourself, that have been misinformed, and never go for a 2nd opinion. They end up w/out a uterus, and still in pain. If you'd like to email me, please do. I urge you to see someone else before you do this.

Julie said...

I am so sorry to hear that you will have to go through all this. Yes, it’s great that you will be feeling much better, but I can only imagine how difficult a decision it must have been. Best wishes to you as you go through all the changes that will be coming your way!

Danica said...

@ Erica - that was my third opinion actually. :-( And she did mention that she most likely will not be able to stage me without surgery but she's going to take a look via the ultrasound to see what's going on. She is just now having my records transferred from my last doctor who performed all of my laperoscopies.

Andrea said...

I just want to send you (((HUGS)))

I hope and pray that everything goes well and you are pain free.

I also pray that God opens your window and you find the reason for everything.

Emily said...

Awww Danica, I am so so sorry :( I can't imagine how hard this decision must've been for you. *hugs*

I know this won't make you feel any better, but you can always spoil me like I was your child :)

love ya girlie

Julie said...

Hugs and love to you, my dear friend. I'm here for you, whatever you need. A hug, a drink, anything. You just name it, babe.

Tooj said...

I hope that you end up sharing your tears with LW, at some point in the future. If nothing else, he can be THAT man in your life, that shoulder, that hug. Don't worry about burdening him if you simply need some love. And it's clear that you are Mommy even if she doesn't use the term....you ARE. :) I'm sure requesting that the doc wait until after the holidays isn't a big request. Do it for YOU.

jannypie said...

I'm so sorry Danica. :( I cry with you. Hugs and love.

erinann said...

all my love.

ModernMom said...

I'm behind on your blog..just catching up here. I wish you strength, and love and peace. Hugs from your invisible friends:)