Sunday, April 19, 2009

My father is a racist.

I'm beyond upset over a conversation I just had with my father. I was so excited to tell him that LW is moving in. And of course after I told him he got quiet and tried to change the subject. So I pushed it further by telling him we had been talking about getting married. His exact words "Don't invite me to the wedding." Imagine the hurt and the pain in realizing that your parent is a racist. My mom would have accepted LW with open arms. I'm so upset right now.

Later on I told him that we would like to come see him this summer and he said that wouldn't be a good idea. OMG What is happening in this world? It didn't matter that my second husband hit me and pushed me down a flight of stairs. He's white, so that makes it okay. Yet I find the most amazing man who treats me with the respect I deserve and he's not acceptable by my father's standards because of the color of his skin?

I'm angry.

I'm hurt.

I'm embarrassed.

How do I tell LW that my father doesn't accept him? The rest of my family (sibilings, nieces, nephews, and inlaws) love LW. At Christmas my oldest sister said she hopes he becomes a part of the family.

My dad said I wouldn't understand his generation. LW's mom is older than my father and she is accepting of me. His entire family is!

I told him he had pretty much shoved me out of his life by not accepting LW. He said something to the effect "Well that's how I feel. You should love who you love but don't expect me to be happy and want to see you with them."

I so just want to pick up the phone and talk to my mom about this. She would know all of the right words to say to make me feel better.

My dad has always been a bitter, angry person. He's very difficult to like. He's negative, hurtful and never happy. After my mom passed away (they were divorced for years before she died) we became closer and I thought he lost some of his anger. But I guess not.

How in the world can I make this better?


We are the Ferrari's said...

Oh Danica, I am so sorry! You have every right to be hurt. I am so sorry your dad feels this way! It stinks! ((HUGS))

Liz said...

I don't know what to say or what you can say to make you feel better. But, I want to give you lots of hugs!

D said...

I am so incredibly sorry that your Dad has this attitude. Given that he is clinging to the "my generation" argument, I don't know whether time for him to get to know LW would help. :( I hope you find peace in this situation - you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

Coloradolady said...

This is a tough one. I know my own father would have said the same thing, right or wrong. I think that stems from a time when things were cut and dry in the minds of so many. There are many things and attitudes that define a racist. Some worse than others. Likewise, many have such ideals and attitudes and clearly do not count themselves in the racist group.

I have a friend who's daughter had a baby a few months ago. She is white, he is black. His mother won't even hold the baby, wants nothing to do with the baby or her, simply because she is white and not black. It boggles the mind.

I think the worse thing would be to seperate yourself from your father. Spend as much time together as possible with LW. It may take a while. It may be a long journey. I have found that once someone becomes familiar with the unknown, or really takes the time to get to know someone...often attitudes change.

Hugs to you....I know this hurts.

Emily said...

Danica, I am so sorry :( How awful... I'm so sorry that your Dad feels that way. I just don't understand racism at all :(


Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

YOU cannot make it better. Your dad is a bigot because he chooses to be one and NOT because of it being "HIS" generation. When all else fails....he blames it on his generation. That's bullsh*t!

You have to decide whether he is worth having a relationship with at this time in your life. When you and LW get married, he's got to either respect and accept him or stay away.

What? He expects you to not marry LW so that he and you can still have a relationship?

I think if your mom were here, she'd help you realize that you can't change ignorance which is all racism.

He may come around but if he doesn't only you can decide if you'd be happy with him not being a part of your and LW's lives.

It really is his loss. Has he even met LW? Does he know that LW is the man you love and that he would do anything to make you happy?

I'm so pissed for you, Danica. (I'm pmsing so everything makes me mad at the moment....want me to kick your dad's butt??)

Hang in there. He may suddenly decide that he's losing out on his daughter's relationship by not being accepting of the man in her life.

Lyndsay said...

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with a father who is racist. Hopefully hew il come around. (((hugs))))

Mandy said...

Wow Danica, I am so sorry. That is just awful. Big hugs to you.

Sue said...

Danica, there's nothing you can or should do to try to change your dad. He believe what he believes and right or wrong, that's his business.

I hate to ask this, but are you certain it's because LW is black that your dad dislikes him? Maybe there are other reasons? Just a thought...

Whatever his reasons, it's unfortunate he's not more quiet about them. He doesn't have to like who you choose, but he could be quiet about it and try to support *you* because he loves *you*. If nothing else, I'd say he's being rather selfish in making his feelings known to you. What does he expect you to do with that information?

I agree with others, give it time. Maybe him actually getting to know LW will help iron things out. If not, you're a grown woman, your father lives miles and miles away, you don't need his approval to be happy, and obviously he doesn't need your respect.

Danica Lynn said...

Thanks ladies.

My dad has never met LW and says he doesn't plan on meeting him. He said I'm sure he's good to you, but he's black and I don't think you need to do that to yourself. What? Do what to myself? Fall in love with a man who has a different background? A man who's educated more than my exhusbands? A man who knows how to save money...a man who actually has hobbies that are healthy. A man with children. What could be so wrong with him getting to know LW?

I'm frustrated so terribly bad right now. I just wanted to scream into the phone that LW's brother is black and is in Iraq fighting for our freedom. Shouldn't my dad be proud that I am involved with a man who has an amazing family who cares about our country?

I'm just so angry that my thoughts ramble on and on. I didn't realize how shallow he really was.

Dawna Drake said...

How terribly sad that your father seems hell bent on keeping his mind and heart closed to someone who is such a wonderful person. Perhaps with time your father would grow used to the idea of you being in an interracial relationship. If the rest of your family is supportive, he may start to come around.

travel girl said...

Babygirl1 had the same problem with my ex Father-in-law. He was the most racist person I had ever met. He died without ever knowing that babygirl1 had a "black" boyfriend.

It's a real shame but it's his loss. I say live your life with the man who clearly loves you.

Julie said...

I ditto everything Simone (CCD) said. You can't change your father's bigotry. All you can do is decide how much you are willing to allow it to affect your life.

Big hugs, babe.

Colleen said...

You know what... it's a shame that your dad won't get to see what a wonderful man LW is and how happy he makes you. That should be a priority in his life and sadly, he's not making an effort.

Danica, you need to be with LW for all the right reasons and you can't let your dad do or say anything that will upset you. He wasn't part of your life for so long and seems that he's not willing to make the effor now.

We don't see the color of LW's skin... that's not important (he's got beautiful skin BTW, but I digress). What we all see and I know you see is the love he has for you and in this world, when life's so short, that's all that matters!


Fragrant Liar said...

You know, I'm not sure you really CAN make it better. If your dad is really a racist, it will be hard to get him to change. I guess it's possible he is trying to get you to make a choice -- him or your guy -- but that's putting you in a terrible situation (not nice, Dad!).

It's not about age either, as I have a dear friend who is white and married to a black man; and her family has no issues with it -- and neither do we -- and they're in their 60s. So maybe it will just take time. Maybe lots of time, but the important thing is that you do what you feel is right for you.

I'm pulling for ya!

Sue said...

Thanks for clarifying Danica. It's very sad that your dad is so hung up on the color of LWs skin and is missing the person underneath it. As you said, he treats you far better than your ex's, and I assume your Dad was ok with them, so he'd prefer idiots to black skin? So hard to fathom, but when you live your entire life a certain way, it can be hard to change. Hopefully he will come around, otherwise, his loss.

CalmCraft said...

I realize this is a bit belated, but your posting was the second with the google key term "my dad is racist"

I want to go to Africa so badly, Mali specifically. I have an opportunity if I get scholarships and save up money - a study abroad experience my parents always knew I wanted to take - they just didn't know where. Neither did I until I found out about this opportunity, but I digress.

I've always known my father was racist. We live somewhat rural, my father has a sawmill and has employed and worked with black men his entire life. He's always used the "N" word, but convinced me he used it to describe ignorant people in general. (I looked up the etymology of that same "N" word and it does *not* come from "ignorant" which I have been told my entire life!!! I did this after my "token black friend" Michael "Token" S. was making jokes about "meeting my dad" and "becoming best friends as only seen in movie plots"... His dad would act similarly toward me if under the impression that he and I were having a romantic relationship. If my father thought I had been with a black man romantically, or god forbid "sexually" - he would not only not speak to my partner, he would not speak to me, my Mother and family would be completely strained [and trust me, my nuclear and extended family are super strained right now] and my father would probably die much sooner than otherwise.

And don't get me started on "gays."

Racism is a form of ignorance.
Trust is based on the idea that "bad action" committed by a loved one comes from ignorance and not malice. This is how we still love people who fuck us over. And it hurts.

CalmCraft said...

Additionally, I am a junior in University and have lived away in "the city" for three years now and it is still getting in between us in a big way. I won't let it down when he starts being a complete bigot. He intern gets deaf to my ration and just starts yelling hateful things.

Good Luck, friend.