Friday, February 20, 2009

Baby Blues

My heart hurts a little bit.

See, I think I want a baby. I’m not 100% sure, but I’m leaning in the ways of wanting one. Spending more time with Kassidy only makes me wish I could have someone call me Mom.

I tried talking to LW about it last night, but he’s very sure he doesn’t want another child. I do not fault him either. He’s 43 with a two beautiful girls (17 and soon to be 10). He’s a very lucky man. His girls are beautiful, well behaved and all around amazing. They both have a wonderful life ahead of them. I’m grateful to have Kassidy and Lauren in my life and I would never treat them any differently than I would treat my own child. But that’s just it…I don’t have my own child. I don’t have a child I can bake cupcakes for and send to school…I don’t have a child I can sit down and write out Valentine’s with.

I want that.

But I also know my body’s limitations. I understand I’m 35 with a messed up fallopian tube, who is riddled with endometriosis. I’m in pain constantly and will be having the talk with my O/B this year about removing my left ovary…the pain is that horrible. I’ve been on fertility drugs…shots in the butt…been put in early menopause to help with my endio…three surgeries…three miscarriages…and so on.

So why would I ever think in a million years I could carry a baby? My odds are so low. Why would I want to put myself back through that pain? Or have LW watch as I struggle?

I think I’m sitting here answering myself.

I will never be a Mother. I don’t have the funds put aside to adopt and I physically cannot get pregnant on my own.

It’s all so very hard right now. I went to bed crying about this…and honestly there is little LW can do to fix this. Even if he said he would like a baby with me, my odds are horrible when it comes to getting pregnant. I tried for four years with my first husband and almost two years with my second. I can’t go through that again.

Someday I’ll be okay with it…but not today.

6 comments:

Allison said...

((HUGS))

Lyndsay said...

(((hugs)))

travel girl said...

Hang in there girl!

A HUGE HUG!!!

Emily said...

*hugs*

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

I know and understand. Does LW understand your desire to have a child? Does it scare him to think about being a dad again or does he want more than anything to spend his life with you and for you both to be happy? If the latter is the case, then I'm hoping that there has to be a solution. What are the doctor's thoughts on your health and pregnancy? Would pregnancy be a risk?

I'll be sending thoughts your way...good ones....so that somehow, someway, there's an answer.

Trisha.R.Jackson said...

I am way late on catching up on my blog posts but want to offer my (((hugs))).