Saturday, January 3, 2009

Burial

A year ago today we buried my Mom. It was a day unlike today...which if you're in Ohio...it's sunny out and not too bad on the chilly side. When we buried my Mom it was snowing out! Snow was everywhere and I swear my Mom ordered it up because she loved snow so much. I'm alot like her...I could sit and watch it fall for hours.

I spoke at her funeral. It was very short and sweet, although I don't remember much of what I said because I think I was still in shock. Plus when I looked to the back of the church, there sat my first ex-husband (yes I have been married and divorced twice). He was invited as my Mom loved him to pieces and of course so did I; we just couldn't figure out how to be married. He even came to the hospital to say good-bye to her and I can't tell you how much that meant to me and to my Mom. We both loved him very much.

At the graveside it was SO darn cold out. And here I sit in chronological order of age next to my siblings, who all had their spouses standing behind them holding their shoulders. For a minute I felt sorry for myself. It was the wrong moment for that, but sometimes with grief comes feeling sorry for yourself for being alone, but then out of no where comes three of my dearest friends, one them handing me hand warmers over my shoulder. And of course all three of them stood behind me and for once I felt like I wasn't alone.

It's just so hard to think a year has come and gone. I've lost grandparents before and Aunts and Uncles, but no one that I was this close to. It's tough. And when you lose someone, there's a process your emotions go through. I think I have cycled through most of them...denial, saddness, grief, devestation, lonlieness, guilt, forgiveness.

Now it's time for rememberance through laughter. I know there will be tough days...her birthday, my birthday...weddings..anniversaries, but some how some way the better days will now out weigh the bad ones.

I love you Mom. And I miss you like crazy.

3 comments:

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

I can only imagine how much you miss your mom. She sounds like she was truly wonderful.

Since I'm very new to your blog, I don't know whether you have children or not but if not, then for you and LW, you can do a journal together about your mom. You can talk about all of the things she likes, enjoyed doing. Or you can even journal as if you're talking to her.

I also liked Amy's idea of the cookbook as a tribute. My cousins did that as well when their mom passed and donated the money to breast cancer research.

As much as you miss her, I know that there is such a huge part of her within you so when you look at yourself in the mirror, smile because a part of her is there. (Does that make sense? I don't know if I'm explaining it right.)

Lyndsay said...

(((hugs))) Your mom would be so proud of the person you have become. Hopefully dealing with the loss of your mom will get easier for you.

Trisha.R.Jackson said...

((HUGS))