Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween!

I hope it's a happy one for everyone out there!

Trick or Treat in my hood was last night. I had lots of kiddos stop by. They were all decked out in their fabulous costumes. I took a picture of my best friends kids so I'll have to post that when I get a free moment.

Happy Halloween! Keep it safe!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Tough Stuff

Is it possible to become a child again? I'm tired of being a grown-up. Life teaches us many lessons and it seems the older we get, the more responsible we have to become. And I have a complex. I'm my Mom's middle child and my Dad's oldest, so when it comes to being in control and standing up for my parents I get confused. Wouldn't you?

When my Mom was sick and dying I had three other siblings to help take care of her. We took shifts at her house and at the hospital. That's what you do for your family. But my Dad, it's different. Not only am I the oldest child of his (plus remember he lives in Nevada), I'm the only one who cares. My brother and I belong to my Dad (for lack of a better word). My brother and my Dad have a HORRIBLE relationship, thus I'm left alone when caring for my Dad.

Fast forward to last night...my Dad called me and he wants me to come out for Thanksgiving. I'd give anything to spend a holiday with him, BUT this is my first Thanksgiving without my Mom, I have three other siblings to consider since I'm the one hosting Thanksgiving this year, and it's my first Thanksgiving with LW and we will have his daughter. I'm so torn. Then my Dad spins into this out of control banter about how he's not going to be with us next year (he's afraid he's dying) and how my brother hates him. He's grumpy and he admitted it. I'm sorry though I can't take it. My heart is heavy right now and he's not helping one bit. I'm trying to take care of him, but I'm also trying to take care of myself. Many times I've told him I'd pay his airfare so he could come be with me and my brother, but again it always turns into "Your brother doesn't want me there." When I talk to my brother about it he tells me how ridiculous Dad is being and then swears to me he'll call Dad, but never does.

I compromised and told my Dad I would do my best to get out there the day after Christmas. I don't know what else to do and I don't have any more vacation time off from work. I'm just so tired and stressed and sad and frustrated. I sit here and think..."Why me? What did I do to deserve a family that is falling apart?"

I love my Dad very much and this whole situation just crushes me. I'm doing the best I can to keep the peace between my Dad and my brother. Being in the middle is hard. I'm always the one to tell my Dad about my nieces and nephew...what they are doing, how big there are getting, etc. I'm also the one who sends pictures of them because my SIL and my brother are lazy when it comes to that. I know they mean well, but it hurts my Dad and I have no idea how to make them understand.

I know it will all work out in the end. I'm more or less venting because if I don't...I'll go crazy!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Wednesday Funny

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing. The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"
The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled,

'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Another First

This Thursday will be a year since my Mom underwent a life altering surgery to attempt to save her life from cancer. For some reason I feel like blogging about it now rather than on Thursday.

One year ago I got up early and headed to Mt. Carmel East hospital to sit with my Mom before her surgery to remove the lower left portion of her lung. I was meeting my brother and his wife and my sisters at 7am ish. That particular morning I felt the need to stop off at Starbucks to get a peppermint hot chocolate, which instead turned out to be a peppermint mocha something….not bad I guess. I’m not sure why I remember that though? I remember what I was wearing…I remember taking my Mom’s teeth out before surgery….I remember every little detail.

I can remember sitting there through her surgery texting TT and Julie R. Those two kept my sanity that day. Between sobs and hugs, we as a family tried so hard to keep it together. We were plain exhausted that day. My mom was a very sick lady most of her life, so my family and I were so scared that she was going to die during the surgery.

When her surgery was over and we were able to go to her room and visit her, she was out of it. Rightfully so. She was on some serious pain medicine with a chest tube thus she wasn’t capable of carrying on a conversation. I sat in her room with her for awhile and watched her sleep. About the time she was waking up (hours later), she started hallucinating. It was so painful to watch. The strongest woman I knew was laying there struggling to remember what happened to her. And for the first time I heard my mom say that she was in pain. My mom NEVER complained. I swear from that moment on, my Mom was never ever the same woman. A part of her was lost that day.

From that day on life was never the same for my family. Over the next couple of months I’m sure you’ll hear about my struggles with the holidays, the date of her death, and my first full year without her. I know I’m lucky because I got 34 years with my Mom. Some people I know aren’t that lucky. I look at a friend of mine who just married a widower. His children lost their Mom when they were under the age of 10 or around that age.

I know God has a purpose for all of us. And I know my Mom is a special angel in heaven right now and she is in a place where pain does not exist. Those of us lucky enough to get to heaven will be able to experience that one day. Sadly that still doesn’t take my pain away. I want her here.

Saturday I went to my brother’s house to watch his middle daughter play volleyball and I accidentally took the route that took me by my Mom’s house…it’s the long way, because I would always take her with me. For some reason I still try to go pick her up.

Life will get easier and I’m sure the pain will lessen, but this being a year of firsts is so tough. I’m one strong, independent person, but I’ll tell you what…losing my mom has changed me in ways that are hard to explain. I’m more grateful and forgiving and I’m more patient. Hard to believe how much losing someone can make you re-think life. I will never take anything for granted anymore. Tomorrow it might not be here.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Anyone see my grumpy pants?

I am so in need of putting on my grumy pants today. My morning has already gone to shit! I wake up feeling like crap (thanks George or AKA Aunt Flo). So I'm walking around getting ready at home and I'm just moody as f_ck. Poor LW. I didn't talk because I was afraid I would spew venom if I opened my mouth. I can become one big pain in the ass when George stops by.

And then I'm at work fumbling through stacks of paper on my desk when I knock over my Diet Dr Pepper. My first thought was "How will I get through the day without my caffeine?" The next thought was "Oh shit, it's on my keyboard!" Damn I had a mess to clean up and I'm still short on caffeine. POOP

THEN I hop onto a conference call and drink said drink above when a big drop dribbles out of my mouth onto my white shirt! Seriously? I woke up for this today????

And I'm 10 minutes away from logging onto another conference call where I'll get my ass ripped by this moody customer.

Happy happy joy joy. Go the f_ck back to bed!

Friday, October 24, 2008

I love the Nestie Girls!

Ever since I joined The Knot/The Nest/The Columbus Nesties board I have come out of my little shell. I have always loved meeting new people, but have always been "shy" about it. Yes peeps I can get shy!! But during my divorce and my mom's passing, I've realized just how much each of those girls on that chatboard mean to me. So many send cards...thoughts and prayers...etc. I love going to lunches, to bookclub, to Bunco, to game nights, to happy hours, to parties...to their homes. I love socializing with each of those girls.

I love watching their babies grow up. I love wishing each of them a Happy Birthday. And I'm glad I can be there in their time of need.

I'm not 100% super close with any of my girlfriends. I think that goes back to how I was raised (long story for another day). But when I log onto the Nest in the morning I see how much we all care about one another...how we all grieve together...how we all laugh together and how we all wish each other success and happiness.

I'm blessed to have found that board. I've made so many friends and I hope that those friendships last a very long time.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Hockey, hockey, hockey!!

LW and I had so much fun at the hockey game last night. He surprised me with lower bowl seats. OMG I have never sat in the lower bowl. We were so close to the ice that I could have hit Nash with a rock. HA! We were seated more behind Vancouver's bench than the Blue Jackets bench, but none the less I could see facial expressions on the players!!!

And the Blue Jackets won....4 - 2 !! That never happens when I go to a game. :-)

It was nice to talk and laugh with LW. I wish I knew hockey better so I could explain the rules to him, but I explained what I knew and he seemed content with that. See he's a basketball/volleyball official so he was very curious about the rules and regulations and was trying to understand what the officials were calling. At one point he chuckled because he heard a guy behind us yell something to the official. I think he gets that a lot too so he could sympathize.

Anyway, we had a great time. He's definately in the 'surprise' mode lately. Guess I need to up my game. HA!

Monday, October 20, 2008

Death

Why does the word death bring tears to my eyes? My best friend just called me to tell me that her husband's grandmother just passed away. And just last week I had two co-worker's who's grandparents past away. When I was told about all three of these deaths I couldn't help but sit here and just cry. I know their pain. I feel how bad their hearts hurt and I know what it's like to go through a loved ones belongs and fondly remember.

I wish I didn't know how that felt, but I have to face that part of being human is dying.

I wonder how I am going to help my best friend through this when I can't even help myself through the pain sometimes. I know it's much different losing a parent than a grandparent but still I need to be there for her family. When my mom died she was the first person I called. I can't even remember the conversation. Between the disbelief of losing my mother and the hysterical crying fits I know she was listening to me and trying to do her best to be with me at a time when I was all alone.

I'm sending Nichole and Rusty prayers and love. I wish I could do more. I hope they understand that she is in such a better place where she won't hurt any more.

Oh....My...Gawd!

LW told me last night that he told his youngest daughter about me. I guess he sat her down and told her that daddy "has a lady friend." Her response was "I thought you might have a girlfriend since you always go upstairs to talk on the phone." HA!!! How observant are little ones???

I'm not sure he told the oldest about me yet. Since she lives in Arizona he may wait until he sees her face to face. Not sure. However the youngest daughter (K) and the oldest daughter (L) talk on the phone all the time, so I'm sure L will know before too long.

I just hope this means that I get to meet them soon. Both of them sound so adorable. I'm anxious, nervous and excited all wrapped up in one.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

My crazy, fun, busy weekend!

I'm so tired from this weekend. I don't think I stopped running until today! And even this stupid head cold I have couldn't keep me down for too long.

Friday night I went out to dinner with my friends Bev, Brad and Chad. Brad turned 50 so we went to Mezzo at Creekside for dinner. The food was wonderful, the drinks were so yummie (they have the BEST Riesling!) and the company was great. After dinner we headed to Chad's to play cards. We ended up playing Phase 10. Such a fun game!!! It's a lot like rummy (I've never played but that's what they told me). After we got tired of drinking and playing cards, we watched "The Happening". Not a bad movie, but not a good movie. Eventually I made it home (around 2:30am!)...crawled into bed...and slept the boose and the night away.




Saturday I awoke at 8am to my carbon monoxide detector beeping every minute. Eventually I crawled out of bed, stumbled to the garge to get the latter and then hoisted the latter up the stairs. As I was crawling up the latter I looked over my shoulder and noticed a HUGE sign out in my front yard (LW had his daughter this weekend). I hopped off the latter and went outside in my pajama's and found this:



Now how sweet was that??? And ladies it gets better, but I'll save that for later. After I chuckled and got a million goosebumps I went inside to text LW. He was so proud of himself! He put that out in my yard sometime between 2:30am and 8am!!!! He deserves a million points for that!!!

Later on I went to watch the OSU/Michigan State game with my friends from the ER. I went with them to an alumni event at the Columbus Museum of Art. It was so much fun!! After the game I went to LW's friend's house. His wife, Chris, was having a Silpada party. YAY - more jewelry!!! I feel so welcomed by his friends. It was so nice visiting with Chris and getting to know her friends. See Chris and I are alot alike....we are both white women with black men, both of us lost our mothers to lung cancer when we were in our 30's, both of us graduated from Groveport Madison High School and both of us have had trouble conceiving. We have such an amazing bond and I look forward to getting to know her better.

When Sunday rolled around I was exhausted. I woke up with the worst sinus pain and runny nose. I slept almost 12 hours, thus I didn't make it to church. BOO But LW saved the day when he came home with a small bouquet of fresh Gerbera daisies. How sweet is that? And he used the word "Love" when he signed the card. When he gave me the flowers he said he hopes I know how much I mean to him. And finally I do. I love that man!!!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Yawn....big stretch!!

I got into work before 7am today. Holy cow! Problem was I worked late last night and so did LW, so after work we walked over to Gordon Bierch for dinner. It was so nice because we sat outside and talked. I did not get to talk to him all day (boo, hiss, pout...I sound like a girl in love!), so it was nice to get all caught up.

After dinner we decided to leave my car downtown in the parking garage and just ride home together. All fine and dandy, but he made me get up at 5:30am because he likes to get into work early! I'll say....5:30am was a toughy but I did it! And here I sit alone...at work...no one around. No sound other than the copier, furnance and computers. This could turn into a kidnapping situation and no one would know until probably 8. :)

Happy day my friends.

I'll be back.....

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Happy 40th Birthday Carol

Today was my friend Carol's 40th birthday. For obvious reasons those of us that work with her just HAD to decorate her office. he he

SOO....with the help of other co-workers, we created a 'barn yard' theme. Yes we had straw, a horse bridel, rope, a cowboy hat, feed, plastic farm animals and a toy farm, along with 40th birthday gear. See Carol lives in Amanda, a.k.a. The Village, so the farm/barn yard theme was appropriate. And to top it all off her son had a goat that was shown in the Fairfield County fair last week! HA

I think she was greatly surprised. Happy 40th Birthday Carol!! I hope it was a good one filled with love, happiness and a little goat humor.





Saturday, October 11, 2008

Painful Conversation

Last night LW and I went to Bon Vie to celebrate 5 months of dating. We had a wonderful dinner with wine and then headed to Game Works to kill time before our movie. After getting my hiney kicked at every game, except for some car race (yes I feel like Danica Patrick!), we went to the movie Lakeview Terrace. It was a great movie that explored interacial marriage, ironcially. Without spoiling the movie, I will say that Samuel L Jackson was wonderful and would scare me as a neighbor!HA

After the movie we went to Adobe Gilas to have a drink and listen to some music. The music got too loud...damn we're old...so we headed to Bar Louie to sit and talk. We had great conversation about black and white people dating, children, etc. I was curious to hear his perspective on the two of us dating and how he perceives how people see us as an interacial couple. He's more use to it than I, as he dated his last girlfriend for 10 years and she was white and of course his daughter is bi-racial. It was a good conversation for us to have. But then the conversation went south. So south that when we left the bar we weren't sure if we were going to stay together.

The arguement/disagreement had NOTHING to do with our race situation. It had everything to do with my feelings about being a mother. He is certain that he does not want any more children and I cannot fault him for that. He's raised two beautiful daughters so why in the world would he want to start all over again? But I on the other hand am not sure I want children, but I don't want that opportunity to be taken away from me because I'm with a man who doesn't want them.

I'm on the fence about having children. I want them one day and then next day I'm grateful for my relaxed life. But if I ever want children, I want to know that my partner is on board. But sadly LW is not. And that is okay for him, but for me it makes me hurt inside. We want to be together so bad but it's so hard because of my conflicting feelings about children. My health (fertility wise) has always been questionable. I suppose that's part of the reason I'm on the fence. My heartached when I couldn't get pregnant that emotionally I don't think I want to go through that again.

Long story short though..we kissed and made up. He understands where I am coming from and I understand him. The question is, how do we make this work? It's clear we are madly in love with each other. I think I'm going to leave it in God's hands. Only he can help me understand what is right.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Pastor Meredith

As most of you know I attended my mom's church on Sunday. It was very emotional for me being there, but in a sense I found peace within myself. Anyway, I'm not sure I mentioned this in my post about going to her church, but Pastor Meredith's mother in law died that very morning during the service actually. So of course the pastor was emotional as well. When I left the church I shook his hand and told him that his family will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

Fast forward to Wednesday. I receive a letter in the mail from the pastor thanking me for my visit and how he knows it's an emontional time for myself and my family, etc. And in his letter he said it must have been fate (not the exact word, but I can't remember his exact words) that I was with him the very day he was losing his mother in law (he was with my family and I the day my mom died - ironically he left the hospital about an hour or two before she died). That part of the letter sent chills down my spin. I feel as if somehow I was meant to be at church that morning. Was my mom asking me to be there for him like he was there for me (and her)? None the less, I was grateful I was there to offer my condolences and respect. Pastor Meredith is a good man and my mom was so happy with him as her pastor.

Saddly I found out that he has just been diagnosed with Parkinson's. I hope he's well enough to continue on with his work, because he is an amazing man and I am SO grateful that my life crossed paths with his.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Five Months Today

Yippeee! LW and I are celebrating five months of being together today. This morning he got into the shower before me and once my lazy butt could get out of bed he came up to me and gave me a huge hug and a kiss and said "Happy five months." HE REMEMBERED! AAHHHH

We are not celebrating tonight as he is officiating a volleyball game, so tomorrow we are going to Bon Vie at Easton and then to a movie. I'm so excited.

Maybe soon he'll say 'it'. :)

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Happy Wednesday Peeps

I really have nothing new to report. What's up with that? I'm usually full of conversation. I might be back after I've had a couple of shots of caffeine! HA

I will ask that anyone who can, keep LW's family in your thoughts and prayers as his brother will be going to Iraq this Friday. I know it's an emotional time for them.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Emotional Weekend

While I had a very nice, relaxing weekend, it was a rather emotional one for me.

Saturday would have been my 5 year wedding anniversary. I'm not grieving the loss of my marriage, but more the loss of being part of a family. My family isn't all that close so B's family filled such a huge void. I miss them. I miss laughing with the girls and being a part of a yearly Thanksgiving tradition of drinking beer with the boys at a pub the day after Thanksgiving. I also miss the family feeling that comes with being married. I'm not saying you can't get that in a relationship like what LW and I have, but we're not there yet, as much as I wish we were. I pray for someday though.

Sunday I got up and went to my mom's church. The entire drive I was crying and thinking about how I should be picking her up for church or meeting her in the back of the church where she always sat. When I made it through the double doors, I felt a sense of comfort and I let the flood gates go. I ran into so many people I knew through her and even the pastor came up to me before the service to wish me a blessed day and to make sure my family and I are doing well. I felt so at home! When I sat down a lady held my hand and let me cry and told me stories about my mom. Such a wonderful woman to make sure I was okay.

During the service the pastor announced that they had a very special visitor today. When they announced that I was there the entire congregation errupted in applause and I even got some 'aws'. It was emotional. After the service my mom's best friend, who I haven't seen since the funeral, came up to me and hugged me with all she had and told me I better be coming back. Right then and there I made a commitment to come back in two weeks. It felt so good being around my mom's church family. I can't wait to go back! I even ran into an old high school friend.

After church I drove to the cemetary and chatted with my mom. She gave me so much strength yesterday. And because of her I'm going to become a better person.

The rest of Sunday was glorious and peaceful.

Hope all of you had a great weekend!

Friday, October 3, 2008

Is he ever gonna say it?

Sometimes I wonder if I am wasting my time. It's almost five months since LW and I have been dating and he still hasn't even come close to telling me how he feels. The most he can say is "I like you alot." I'm a woman, I need more than that. If I'm not making him happy then I need to know. And if I do make him happy, I'd like to know that too. It hurts not having any idea how he feels. He never says anything sweet like "I like being here with you", or "You make me happy", etc. He just does sweet things, which is great, but sometimes I wanna hear how happy I make him.

Am I wasting time here? Is he ever going to feel the way I do? Am I really that un-loveable? It's all just so frustrating. I have given everything I got to him...I've told him how I feel, I take care of him, I listen whenever he talks (he's not a talker), and I try to show everyday, how much I do love him. Why don't I feel that way in return?

Next week is five months and I know nothing more than what I did the night of our first date. ::sigh:: I'm tired of being the reject.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Shoot I've been tagged!

Thanks Simi! HA I don't know how to play this, but after reading Julie's blog I'm certain I just have to give 7 random facts about me.

1. I won two beauty contests when I was younger. Miniture Miss Queen in 1984 and Teen Beauty Queen in 1988. Yes folks, I once was a pretty girl. HA!

2. I knew Neil Patrick Harris from high school. Both of us went to high school in New Mexico and he was in the same band competition that I was in. Of course if you asked him who I was he'd probably say "Dunno, don't care."

3. I once ate so many oranges that I ended up with Vitamin C posioning. I was one sick little girl. We lived in Florida at the time...go figure!

4. I called my VP at one of my old jobs a dork one time, hence the nickname Dork. People could NOT believe I did that. Truly it was a slip of the tongue. Dork was always a filler word for me.

5. I've had the same cell phone number since 1999. It's been a long time!

6. I've been married and divorced twice. Both men had the name of Brian. I will never date another Brian again!!!!

7. I'm very OCD. I can tell you where everything is in my house. Nothing is out of place. And if you were to move something, I would move it back. ARRGGHHH

Now don't you feel like you know me a whole lot better? HA!!!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

I feel so whiney.

I know people are tired of me talking about my mom and blaming all of my saddness on the fact that she is gone. I'm sure in the back of people's minds they are saying "Get over it already." But I can't and I don't know why.

Maybe it's because I sit behind a computer all day and I have nothing but time. Time to think about things I should have said and done. Time to regret all sorts of things. Where is the time I need to heal? I heard a song by Mariah Carey this morning called "Bye Bye" and I can't help but feel every emotion when listening to that song.

Maybe when I'm done with my year of "firsts" I'll finally be able to let go alittle with the whining. Last night I was talking to my SIL and we were talking about my mom and I just said "I miss her." And that's all it took to get me crying. I know my SIL understands as she lost her dad several years back to a heartattack. She NEVER got to say goodbye. At least I did. And I'm grateful for that.

I suppose the hurt will go away or lessen with time. But as I sit here at work, with the biggest tears streaming down my face, I wonder when I'll be able to just smile and remember my mom, rather than cry or feel compelled to write about it?

Sunday I am taking a big step and attending the church my mom loved so much. I want to go and see how her friends are. To feel her presence through them. I plan to sit in the very seat she loved to sit in. Say Hello to the very friends she loved. Maybe then I'll feel healed.