Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2008 Year in Review

Okay okay I'll play!! Seems like lots of my fellow bloggers are doing this.

What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Buried a parent (my mother).

Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't make them for the simple fact that I never keep them!

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Some friends sure did, but thankfully I didn't have to watch. HA!

Did anyone close to you die?
My Mom died Dec 29,2007 but we buried her on Jan 3, 2008 - close enough to say yes.

What countries did you spend time in this year?
None - but I am going to get my passport on Friday!

What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
I got everything I wanted with life and love in 2008 so I'll say MONEY so that I can shop more. :)

What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Jan 3 - buried my Mom
May 9 - LW and I had our first date

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Finding out that I am a strong, wonderful person who can make a difference in someone's life.

What was your biggest failure?
Forgetting who I was. When my Mom died I let myself go for a few months.

Did you suffer any serious injury or illness?
Thankfully no, but like Julie said, my ego got bruised a few times.

What was the best thing you bought?
Five Coach purses - is that a problem?

Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Mine?? I changed my life for the better.

Whose behaviour made you appalled and/or depressed?
I don't feel comfortable saying, but they know who they are. And it's sad that our friendship had to fail because of it.

Where did most of your money go?
Clothes and purses! I'm sick.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
LW saying I love you! And meeting his youngest daughter, Kassidy for the first time.

What do you wish you'd done more of?
Spent more time with my family. Although my Mom's death brought us closer, we somehow forgot to spend more time together.

What do you wish you'd done less of?
Feel sorry for myself. Only I have the power to find and make happiness.

Did you fall in love in 2008?
Oh yes! And I hope to marry this man!

How many one-night stands?
Liz's comments about three night stands (furniture) cracked me up!!! I can't comment....okay one and that was WAY before LW!

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don't hate...I dislike. And yes. She's sleeping with my ex-husband and dumped me as a friend so that she could.

What was the best book you read?
The Last Lecture

What did you want and not get?
An engagement ring! HA! I have everything I want. I would like to work on my friendships more. I have the power within to bond!

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 35. LW took me to dinner at the Ocean Club. It was the best day ever!

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Spending one more day with my Mom. I feel like I didn't get to say somethings I wanted to say.

What political issue stirred you the most?
I'm not super passionate about politics, but I was happy to see Obama win.

Who did you miss?
Without a doubt my Mother. It's so hard believing she's not with us. I have so much to tell her.

Who was the best new person you met?
Oh my gosh, so many people. My chatboard friends and blogging buddies. They ALL helped me through some dark days! And of course LW is the best though. :)

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
Life is every moment with grace and passion and never go to bed angry. Tomorrow might not be here. And always find it within yourself to spend time with those you love.

What sums up this year? (a word, a quote...?)

Christmas Pictures

Here are the pictures that I promised in my Christmas post.

Here we are (LW and Kassidy and myself)Christmas morning (gawd I'm fat):

Here is Kassidy opening her presents:

Our first Christmas together:

And here I am with my nephew who would NOT smile for the camera:

Here we are on Christmas Eve before church with my family:

Have a Happy New Year! Wishing everyone peace, love and happiness in the year ahead.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008


..from the bottom of my heart. Your encouragement, emails, e-cards, text messages and thoughtfulness were much appreciated yesterday.

I have the bestest friends in the world.

Love to you all.

Monday, December 29, 2008

My year of firsts is over.

Today marks the one year anniversary of my Mom’s death. I look back a year ago and I can remember getting the phone call at 6am…rushing around to put clothes on, brush my teeth and get out the door so that I can hold my Mom’s hand one last time and tell her I love her and say good-bye. I realize I’m fortunate that I got to say good-bye to my Mom but that doesn’t make the pain any less easier to bare.

I was the first family member to arrive at the hospital. The nurses were talking to me and comforting me and I could not hear them or see them. My mind was blank, my heart was empty. All I could focus on was my Mom’s big eyes looking up at me telling me it was time to let her go.

Painfully as the hours ticked by my family and I sat with my Mom. We called in my Mom’s pastor to administer last rights. We also called several of her friends so that they could come say good-bye. At one point my Mom, who was totally unconscious at this point, was laughing hysterically. I can only hope that she was on her way to heaven and saw her friends and family that had passed away over the years. My best guess is her beloved dog Minnie was at heaven’s door wagging her tail as my Mom entered into a new life.

Just before 4:30pm when the room was dark and quiet and the only people in the room were myself, my brother and my two sisters, my Mom drew her last breath. It was peaceful and sad all at once. I remember when the nurse walked in and told us she was gone I asked if she could please put another blanket on my Mother because she was cold. Even though she was gone I couldn’t stand the thought of her feeling an ounce of coldness.

My drive home was ridiculously painful. I was single at the time so I was going home to a lonely place…no husband/boyfriend…no children. Just a quiet house. I remember being angry and taking down my Christmas decorations and feeling sorry for myself. Not a moment I was proud of. Although I guess it was better than laying on the couch…at least I was up and doing something…angry or not.

Thank you to the many of you who have listened to me over the year…comforted me and most of all who reminded me that I am fortunate to have such a wonderful group of friends and family who support me. My year of firsts is finally over. I feel now that I will be able to dig deep inside of me and move on and celebrate her life and not mourn her death. That’s what she would want me to do.

Friday, December 26, 2008

I survived Christmas.

First of all, there was no engagement ring, so thank you to those people who shot us text messages that said "Congrats!" HA!!! Nice try.

The day before Christmas Eve was surpringly the hardest day for me. I had left work early to run some errands. My last stop of the day would be to Flowerama to pick up a wreath for my mom's grave. I did well making it through purchasing the wreath but as soon as I loaded it into the car I just cried. I cried for all that she would miss this year. I cried for the mere fact that I miss her. Her silly little presents...her stocking stuffers...her candy. I miss her watching us have fun with Christmas.

On Christmas Eve LW and I drove to the cemetary in the pouring rain to place the wreath on her grave. I asked him to wait in the car while I did it. I was having trouble with my bad hip that day so I struggled to get the wreath into the ground. When I got back to the car, the wind and the rain were beating the wreath up so it started to flap in the wind. LW jumped out of the car and fixed it for me. He did not know my mom so I was touched by his graciousness as I was such a mess and didn't think I could go back out there. There is something so emotiontional about seeing your parent's name on a stone sticking up out of the ground.

After the cemetary we headed to my nieces for dinner. See my niece lives in my mom's old house. The family sat around talking about mom and how she use to string Christmas lights from one end of the room to the other. We laughed and talked and remembered her. It was rather peaceful.

Then came church. My brother and his family and my niece, her daughter and LW all went to Christmas Eve service. It was amazing...beautiful...magical and fun. I sat next to David (my 14 year old nephew) and we talked and really had a grown up moment. I love that kid!

When Christmas morning arrived, LW and I opened up presents (yay got a massage gift certificate and a Coach purse and more of course)then got ready and he headed out to bring Kassidy over to the house. After Kassidy opened her presents we took some family pictures. We had so much fun snuggling around LW. I'll have to post those later. They were so good!!!

Once we cleaned up the house we headed to LW's Mom's house where we ate, played Scrabble, watched everyone open presents, talked, laughed and visited. I feel so blessed to have his family in my life. They remind me so much of my family. And you can feel the love when you walk into the room.

All in all I had a beautiful Christmas. I felt so lucky because I finally know what it feels like to feel love. I can't remember ever feeling this way. For once I can is finally my turn.

Merry Christmas dear friends and family!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

My year in review.

I've started reflecting on everything that has happened from last Christmas until this Christmas. It seems impossible the things that have happened to me. Some I have dreamt all of my life for, and some I have avoided and hoped would never happen.

This year I have:
- buried my Mother
- watched my Father suffer from a stroke and go partially blind
- started on a downward spiral with my life but somehow managed to pull myself out it
- fell in love with the man I am going to marry forever
- took three vacations and really had FUN
- repaired a broken relationship with my sister and my niece
- kept my job
- inherited money which saved my ass financially
- bonded with my brother and the kids (we have always been close but my mom's death brought us closer)
- learned how to let go of bad friendships and the hate that I had with them
- built new friendships and worked on the friendships of others
- volunteered with several organizations
- learned how to play Bunco!
- forgave myself
- started to love myself

It's been such a life changing year. Impossible to explain. I can't believe how truly blessed I am. Through death I see the possibility of life where I didn't see it before.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Christmas Time

Christmas this year is going to be beautiful and magical, but a little sad because we are short one very special family memeber. However I know my momma is up in heaven pushing good thoughts about the holiday my way. I haven't felt this excited about the holidays since I was a child.

Perhaps it's because I've had lots of life changing events over the last year. Or perhaps it's because I've finally accepted who I am and love who I've finally become.

Anyway, I are some of my favorite pictures from the holidays thus far.

These are the stockings that hang on my for LW, one for Kassidy, one for me and one for Boots and Boomer (Lauren's was sent in the mail). LW surprised me with a personalized stocking so I surprised him back!

And this is a Boyds ornament that Julie's sister, Sue Ellen, gave me. How sweet is that? It's says "The Queen of the Universe". Fitting huh???

And no Christmas would be complete without an "Our First Christmas" ornament.

While I'm taking pictures I see my little helper hanging over the balcony.

And finally all of it put together....

Friday, December 12, 2008

My heart hurts for a friend.

Please keep Simi and her family in your thoughts and prayers.

Some of you know her....

Some of you don't.

Those who do not know her...she lost her father on Sunday and it sounds like it wasn't from medical reasons but from a malcious act of violence.

Though not confirmed just yet.

I do know one thing...heaven gained another angel.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Today makes 7 months!

I can't believe LW and I have been together for 7 months today. We have truly been inseperable since. Every day he amazes me. He makes me laugh and he always reminds me, even when I know I'm not, that I am beautiful. He looks at me like no other man has ever looked at me. It makes my heart melt. His eyes remind me every day how fortunate I am to have found a love so deep and so real.

I'm blessed. I really and truly am. I know without a doubt, he was put in my life at the very moment when I needed him the most. See many of you don't know (and I won't go into great detail as it wasn't a 'pretty' spot in my life), I was on the edge of life this past May. I was doing things I normally would never do and I was acting in ways my Mother would not have approved of. If I wouldn't have met LW when I did, I believe things would be drastically different in my life. And not in a good way.

I'm grateful to have turned my life around and to have established a deep foundation of trust and respect with LW. I haven't had that EVER in a relationship.

I'm grown up and damnit it's about time!

Friday, December 5, 2008

Our First Christmas Tree

This year I swore I was NOT going to put up a Christmas tree. I hated the thought of not being able to celebrate this holiday with my Mom. It was her favorite time of the year. But LW said that we just had to.

With that in the back of my mind, I went to Target last Friday and came home with a 7 1/2 foot skinny tree. I doubted that I would like it, but I actually love love love it.

For those that are curious...I have a Boyds Bear tree. I am obsessed with Christmas Boyds Bears.

I think about the only Christmas item that is NOT Boyds are my stockings. LW surprised me the other day with a personalized bear stocking though and he even brought one over for his youngest daughter who will be with us during Christmas. So tonight I ordered one for him. :) When his stocking is in I'll post a picture of all of them together. I feel like I finally have this amazing family. For the first time in the last two years I feel like I **might** be able to enjoy Christmas. LW has convinced me that I can do this holiday and be happy about it, and still miss my Mom at the same time.

Several of you were right...I think it was *suppose* to meeting him. It's the first good thing that I have done in two years, next to getting divorced!

Ahhhh...I can do this!

The snoring bear!

Yes peeps I have a snoring bear in my house!!! LW is sick so for the last two nights I have found my a%% on the couch because his snore is SO LOUD it wakes the entire house. Poor guy can't breathe..but come on...a girl needs her beauty sleep. I'm just saying!

Anyway if I can capture him on film I will do so and report what the snoring bear looks like....HA!

Love you baby!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008


I never got around to blogging about my Thanksgiving. I debated if I should discuss it because it was rather peaceful, but difficult. It was the first Thanksgiving without my mom. I can't begin to explain the emptiness it created in my heart.

The night before Thanksgiving my mom and I always got together at my house and made the turkey. We'd eat pizza and chocolate chip cookies all night. Then I would drive her home super late only to have her call me at 6am telling me to put the turkey in the oven. Ah those were the days.

Over the years my family decided on doing a breakfast rather than turkey dinner since all of us were eating two turkey dinners that day. None the less I was still up late prepping the house and the breakfast menu.

So the night before Thanksgiving this year I went to the gym and thought about the past. I came home and LW took such good care of me. It's like he knew how painful this day was going to be for me. He made dinner. So sweet. While in the shower after dinner I just lost it. I haven't balled like that in months. The pain was all surfacing.

After the shower LW held me in his arms and just let me be mum (which is nearly impossible at times for me) the entire evening. He knew what was wrong without me saying a word.

After that, I got my act together and preparred a nice breakfast for my family. No big family pictures this year. No trip to the nursing home. Nothing. It was peaceful but strange. We talked about mom as I presented all of the girls (plus my brother) with an angel visor clip for their cars. I told them that's where I think about mom the most. Every time I touch my garage door opener my hand brushes the clip and I'm instantly reminded of her.

After breakfast LW and I drove to his mom's house for a wonderful family dinner. Everyone was so sweet to me. I had great conversation with everyone. I felt like I fit in which is such an amazing feeling.

His mom is SO MUCH like my mom. Everything from her clothing, to her hair, to her knick knacks reminded me of my mom. It was eerrie at first but then oddly enough it became a good feeling. It was as if she was going to help me through this difficult time. Even when I hugged her good-bye, her brittle bones reminded me of my mom.

Here are a couple of my favorite pictures from this year:

I hope each of you had a blessed holiday. I know I'm grateful for my family and friends. Without them I don't know how I could have gotten through this year.

Love and hugs to all.

Monday, December 1, 2008


I have to say in all of my 35 years I never thought that visiting Disney World would bring tears to my eyes! The good kind!

My trip started on Thursday afternoon. My flight left Columbus at 2pm. By the time I arrived in Orlando, gathered my luggage and stood in line to board the Magical Express to my hotel, it was after 9pm…and I was exhausted! LW met me at the hotel with open arms. He took me to a nice dinner at our hotel (Contemporary Resort).

Our hotel was amazing!! Very modern and hip. We could even see the tip of the castle at the Magic Kingdom from our room and in the evenings we could see the fireworks. Loved it!!! And the hotel staff was super friendly and helpful.

Friday I woke up early with LW. While he was getting ready to go to his conference I was getting ready to head to the Magic Kingdom. I arrived at the Magic Kingdom at 10am. As I rode the monorail (I later found out the walk to the Magic Kingdom from my hotel was like 5 mins vs. the 15 min monorail ride) I got butterflies in my stomach. I had a hard time containing my excitement. As I walked through the gate tears started streaming out of my eyes! I couldn’t believe I was 35 and seeing Disney for the first time. My goal was to cram as much in as I could that day.

I had a hard time deciding what to ride first! I devised a plan and made my way through the park and rode just about every ride that I thought my hiney could fit on! I went on “It’s a Small World”, the carrousel, Haunted Mansion, the tea cup ride, Space Mountain, Pirates of the Caribbean, and so on. I was so exhausted and my legs were sore but I kept at it. Before my departure I decided to watch the parade. There’s something about seeing Cinderella that brings back childhood memories. I think almost every girl wanted to be her when they grew up. The parade was just amazing…so much dancing and music.

That evening, after I spent the day at the park, LW and I rode the bus and headed to Downtown Disney for dinner. We had a very nice, but expensive dinner at Fulton’s Crab House. Great food, great service. The server kept calling me Mrs. LW (secretly I loved it). After dinner we went to the House of Blues for some drinks.

Saturday we got up early and had a hard time deciding what to do. Do we watch the OSU game or go to Hollywood Studios?????? It was tough. But we decided to go to Hollywood Studios. I know it’s a disappointment to those that are HUGE Buckeye fans, but this was a trip I didn’t think I would ever take and it was so important…more than a game I’m afraid. My best friend did keep us updated by texting me the score. HA! We had a great time at Hollywood Studios, however I had a melt down (I was acting like I was 5) and we had to go back to the hotel room. It was chilly (around 66 and windy), my period was getting ready to start, and I was just overly sensitive. Poor LW. None the less we did have a great time at H.S. Tower of Terror is by far my favorite ride EVER!!!!!

After the park on Saturday, we took a nap. Definitely needed after my meltdown earlier in the day. For the evening we headed to the Boardwalk for dinner at the ESPN Club. We ate and drank like it was no one’s business!!! Prior to arriving at the ESPN Club we had a little bus trouble and it took us about an hour to get there. No the bus didn’t break down…LW had messed up which bus we were getting on and he thought a certain route was quicker than another…WRONG. But I wasn’t going to argue given my meltdown earlier. He he he

I was sad to leave Disney. I shopped and bought the place out. Everyone was so friendly and helpful. I have never been to a happier place!!!! Next year the same conference is in Orlando again, so he’s planning on going back and so am I!!! This time we’ll take his girls.

Disney was by far one of the best trips I have been on. Maybe it’s because it was so magical. I do see why people go there on their honeymoons now.

Have a Magical Day!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Off to Orlando

I'll be missing you peeps. I leave for Orlando tomorrow afternoon for a long weekend with LW. He has a conference so I'm crashing his stay there. In my defense he did ask me to join him.

I'm looking forward to time away from work. I'm uber stressed lately.

See everyone next week.


Tuesday, November 18, 2008

My new bedroom!

I couldn't be more thrilled with the look of my new master bedroom. It's a room LW and I will enjoy for a very long time. :-) I am disappointed in one piece (the top of the amiour). I have a call into the furniture company. I rarely complain, but part of that piece is already damaged. I didn't see it when the guys were setting it up. It looks like it came from the factory that way, so I'm not going to point fingers. But none the less, I had great service (so far) and I'm overall happy with my choice.


OMG I'm losing weight!!

Last week I was down 2 pounds and this week I'm down another 4. Holy moly batman!!!! I went from 136 to 130 in two weeks. DAMN I can do this!!! I have about 15 more to go.

It's amazing what happens when you watch what you put in your mouth (no comments Julie - HA!). Plus I worked out four days last week.

I'm just in heaven today. I needed some good news!!!!

Monday, November 17, 2008

Reminding myself I'm lucky.

Too many times this year I have found myself down in the dumps...depressed over not finding a man (I have obviously found him now!), losing friendships, the death of my mother, my dislike of my job, etc. But then reality hit me today. Life could be over quicker than it started.

My best friend has a friend who was seriously injured over the weekend. She fell down (they aren't sure if maybe she passed out due to blood pressure issues) a flight of stairs, broke her neck, and some how managed to crawl back up the stairs (I assume to get help from her daughters as her husband was at work (police officer), pass out and be found by her husband at 4 am (they think the accident may have happened around 1 am - not sure because Cathy can't remember)). She had surgery yesterday to put pins, bolts, screws and plates into her neck. She's doing okay. The doctors aren't sure at the moment how much mobility she will have once she starts healing. However it is a good sign that she has tingling in her hands and feet. Please pray extra hard for the family.

With that said, I've learned that I need to stop whining about my issues and be GRATEFUL I am healthy, happy and alive. I'm going to stop worrying about things I cannot change and focus on the things I can. I'm lucky to have a great man, to have the friends that I do and grateful, despite my mom's death, that my family is mostly healthy.

Hug your family tighter today and be sure that they ALWAYS know you love them.

Tomorrow may never come.

So love to all of my family and friends! Thank you for always being here for me.

Thursday, November 13, 2008


I've been in training this week so no time to blog.

Then I had an offsite for work in Sunbury at Autumn Lake.

Friday I'll be back in training.

Is the week over yet?

I'll try to blog more later.

Life doesn't quit when you're busy.

Can't wait for BUNCO!!!!

Monday, November 10, 2008

Martini Park Review

The reviews are in...WE LOVED MARTINI PARK!!! Of course now it's our spot since he told me he loved me there. AWWWWW

Saturday we decided to celebrate our 6 month dating anniversary by going to Martini Park. We got there at 6:30pm, not quite sure what to expect. The place was crowded, not overly packed. I liked that. We ordered drinks...and The Columbus Pizza for dinner. We sat in the quiet section...I guess this is the section for lovers. LOL

The layout was fun. When you first walked in, to the right was the sports bar area. There were tvs around the bar and tables inside and out. The center of the bar housed the main bar, lots of tables, the dance floor and the stage for the band. The back area was the quiet, more intimate area. You could hear the band, but it wasn't so over bearing that you couldn't have a conversation. We sat there most of the night until we gave up our table to a group of very nice people. We moved on to the sports bar area and stood there and talked and listened to the band. The band was just awesome. They had everyone on their feet dancing and singing. A++

The menu was limited, however The Columbus Pizza was incredible. We almost ordered a second pizza but opted out for more alcohol! HA Later in the evening we also ordered Ranch Onion Rings. They were amazing, but on a stomach full of alcohol, the grease wasn't working.

Oh the drinks! Let me tell you the drinks were amazing!!! Expensive, but amazing. I think I ordered at least 6 different martini's (Berry, Strawberry, Berry Fizz Lemonaide, etc), which would explain why I spent all day yesterday in the bathroom praying to the porcelin God! But so worth it honestly.

All in all we had an awesome time. I loved that the crowd was older. The staff was super friendly and dressed very nice. The wait staff was incredible. I never had an empty glass and my table was always cleared of empty dishes and glasses. The security personnal were dressed professionally in suits with ear pieces. I kind of felt like the President was in the house. HA!

Best experience ever! Will definately go back to celebrate 7 months. :-) It's now OUR SPOT. AWWWW

Friday, November 7, 2008

Emotionally Spent

I was up all last night tossing and turning...on the couch no less...about work, missing my mom, and things with LW. I'm emotionally torn to pieces right now. I try hard and keep a smile on my face but really I'm just a big ole mess on the inside. I honestly don't think that anyone how knows me knows what's going on.

I miss my mom. Plain and simple. I don't know how to get through these next two months without her. Knowing she'll never see another snowflake (she loved snow), or hear another Christmas song, or see her grandkids grow into amazing hurts. The pain is so deep and so fresh and so raw. And it all feels so unfair. I try hard to not show physical emotion around people. I cry on my drive home from work or the gym, most every night. I'm too afraid to ask LW for hug for fear he'll think I'm falling apart and leave me. It's tough. I know it's not suppose to be easy, but I certainly didn't think it would be this hard.

And work...I hate my job. I hate it. I'm good at it and the pay is wonderful, but I'm unhappy. I have never wanted to work in just kind of happened and the money is certainly the reason I've stayed in it for so long. I dream of working with volunteer organizations and making money for homeless shelters, animal shelters...etc. I dream of helping people reach their dreams. I just don't know how to get there? It frustrates me to no end.

Then of course there is LW. Sunday marks 6 months together. He still won't tell me he loves me. I can't tell you how much that hurts. I know he shows me love in other ways, but seriously, is it that hard to tell me you love me??? I miss hearing someone tell me they love me. I know some people might think it's just words...but those are words I take seriously and if after 6 months he can't tell me, then perhaps he doesn't feel that way about me. I try to talk to him about it, but he'll quickly change the subject or simply say, you know I like you. I need more. I want more. And I tell him....and still no change.

I'm sorry. I'm just frustrated today. And it doesn't help that LW snapped at me this morning (long story - maybe I deserved it). Being an adult sucks.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Body Statistics

A friend sent this to me and I died laughing!!!

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

CHANGE is coming!

I can't tell you how thrilled I am to see Obama win the Presidential race. I've been a long time Republican (I blame my Dad) and was even a Bush supporter until Obama entered the race. I listened to Obama...I wanted and needed change and I felt he could deliver. I'm looking forward to seeing what the next four years has in store for Americans. Will the troops come home? Will the economy change? I know change won't happen immediately, but I do believe Obama has a plan...a good plan.

I was excited to see and hear about everyone who voted (YAY it took me 10 mins!). Regardless of who you voted for you should be proud that you took the time out of your busy day to express your rights as an American. What a great country!!!

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Election Day

I am so excited to vote today! It is one of the most amazing experiences as an American citizen. I spent time this election updating myself with the facts and am hopeful I will make the right choices. I am planning on going around 4:30pm as I have to work a full day. Too bad it's not a holiday! I did hear on the news this morning how there had been talk in the past of making Election Day a holiday. Wonder how many more voters they would get???

Happy Election Day!

Monday, November 3, 2008

So nervous!

Peeps I tell you, I'm blessed! I am happily dating a man who has one of the most amazing and beautiful daughters ever. I couldn't be more lucky!

I met LW's daughter this past Saturday. We were suppose to meet Friday night, but K wanted to stay the night with her girlfriends. Perfectly fine. I remember that age. As cool as your parents are, staying up all night with your best girlfriends is an experience children love.

LW and K got to the restaurant before I did. When I got there, the two of them were playing some kind of middle school patti-cake game. I'm telling you..seeing my man interact with his daughter was the most incredible feeling. It brings our love to a whole new level. I didn't think it was possible to love him anymore than I already do, but watching him with K brought out emotions and feelings that I had no idea would surface. I love that man more than ever now.

As soon as I acknowledged LW, I immediately acknowleged K and told her how adorable her boots were. She was so polite back. Saying thank you, etc. When we sat down, I started asking her questions about school, her favorite know, normal kid stuff. She humored me and answered every question with a smile. Later in the conversation we talked about animals and she was telling me how she has three dogs so I told her about Boots and Boomer (my cats). She looked at me with those big beautiful eyes and said "Can I come see them?" OMG does she like me????? Of course I told her she can come over anytime she wants. She then asked me if I lived alone. Interesting question...but honest and I like it. I answered as honestly as I could without overstepping my bounds because we all know LW might as well live there since he's there all but four or five times a month!

During lunch I couldn't stop looking at her and LW. They are so much alike....their eyes, their nose, their shy smile. I loved the way she buried her head into her Dad's shoulder when he would talk to her about the difference between a B and an A. See if she gets all A's on her report card he is going to take her to Build A Bear. She was one or two A's shy (hey B's aren't bad at all). I knew she was going to be beautiful, but I'm telling you, LW is going to have his hands full when she gets older. She's just a beautiful little girl with a wonderful personality.

After lunch was over LW and K went putt-putting. I was invited, but I thought it best as to not 'steal' all of her time with her Dad. I keep thinking baby steps! Later in the evening LW texted me and said "She likes you." OMG really??? She doesn't hate me or think I'm too ugly or too fat or weird???? Seriously?? I can't tell you how happy that makes me.

For never dating a man with children, I think I hit the jackpot. I'm so blessed. Now I look forward to getting to know her better, along with getting to know her older sister (LW's oldest daughter) who lives in Arizona. She's coming out for Christmas!

Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween!

I hope it's a happy one for everyone out there!

Trick or Treat in my hood was last night. I had lots of kiddos stop by. They were all decked out in their fabulous costumes. I took a picture of my best friends kids so I'll have to post that when I get a free moment.

Happy Halloween! Keep it safe!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Tough Stuff

Is it possible to become a child again? I'm tired of being a grown-up. Life teaches us many lessons and it seems the older we get, the more responsible we have to become. And I have a complex. I'm my Mom's middle child and my Dad's oldest, so when it comes to being in control and standing up for my parents I get confused. Wouldn't you?

When my Mom was sick and dying I had three other siblings to help take care of her. We took shifts at her house and at the hospital. That's what you do for your family. But my Dad, it's different. Not only am I the oldest child of his (plus remember he lives in Nevada), I'm the only one who cares. My brother and I belong to my Dad (for lack of a better word). My brother and my Dad have a HORRIBLE relationship, thus I'm left alone when caring for my Dad.

Fast forward to last Dad called me and he wants me to come out for Thanksgiving. I'd give anything to spend a holiday with him, BUT this is my first Thanksgiving without my Mom, I have three other siblings to consider since I'm the one hosting Thanksgiving this year, and it's my first Thanksgiving with LW and we will have his daughter. I'm so torn. Then my Dad spins into this out of control banter about how he's not going to be with us next year (he's afraid he's dying) and how my brother hates him. He's grumpy and he admitted it. I'm sorry though I can't take it. My heart is heavy right now and he's not helping one bit. I'm trying to take care of him, but I'm also trying to take care of myself. Many times I've told him I'd pay his airfare so he could come be with me and my brother, but again it always turns into "Your brother doesn't want me there." When I talk to my brother about it he tells me how ridiculous Dad is being and then swears to me he'll call Dad, but never does.

I compromised and told my Dad I would do my best to get out there the day after Christmas. I don't know what else to do and I don't have any more vacation time off from work. I'm just so tired and stressed and sad and frustrated. I sit here and think..."Why me? What did I do to deserve a family that is falling apart?"

I love my Dad very much and this whole situation just crushes me. I'm doing the best I can to keep the peace between my Dad and my brother. Being in the middle is hard. I'm always the one to tell my Dad about my nieces and nephew...what they are doing, how big there are getting, etc. I'm also the one who sends pictures of them because my SIL and my brother are lazy when it comes to that. I know they mean well, but it hurts my Dad and I have no idea how to make them understand.

I know it will all work out in the end. I'm more or less venting because if I don't...I'll go crazy!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Wednesday Funny

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing. The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"
The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled,

'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Another First

This Thursday will be a year since my Mom underwent a life altering surgery to attempt to save her life from cancer. For some reason I feel like blogging about it now rather than on Thursday.

One year ago I got up early and headed to Mt. Carmel East hospital to sit with my Mom before her surgery to remove the lower left portion of her lung. I was meeting my brother and his wife and my sisters at 7am ish. That particular morning I felt the need to stop off at Starbucks to get a peppermint hot chocolate, which instead turned out to be a peppermint mocha something….not bad I guess. I’m not sure why I remember that though? I remember what I was wearing…I remember taking my Mom’s teeth out before surgery….I remember every little detail.

I can remember sitting there through her surgery texting TT and Julie R. Those two kept my sanity that day. Between sobs and hugs, we as a family tried so hard to keep it together. We were plain exhausted that day. My mom was a very sick lady most of her life, so my family and I were so scared that she was going to die during the surgery.

When her surgery was over and we were able to go to her room and visit her, she was out of it. Rightfully so. She was on some serious pain medicine with a chest tube thus she wasn’t capable of carrying on a conversation. I sat in her room with her for awhile and watched her sleep. About the time she was waking up (hours later), she started hallucinating. It was so painful to watch. The strongest woman I knew was laying there struggling to remember what happened to her. And for the first time I heard my mom say that she was in pain. My mom NEVER complained. I swear from that moment on, my Mom was never ever the same woman. A part of her was lost that day.

From that day on life was never the same for my family. Over the next couple of months I’m sure you’ll hear about my struggles with the holidays, the date of her death, and my first full year without her. I know I’m lucky because I got 34 years with my Mom. Some people I know aren’t that lucky. I look at a friend of mine who just married a widower. His children lost their Mom when they were under the age of 10 or around that age.

I know God has a purpose for all of us. And I know my Mom is a special angel in heaven right now and she is in a place where pain does not exist. Those of us lucky enough to get to heaven will be able to experience that one day. Sadly that still doesn’t take my pain away. I want her here.

Saturday I went to my brother’s house to watch his middle daughter play volleyball and I accidentally took the route that took me by my Mom’s house…it’s the long way, because I would always take her with me. For some reason I still try to go pick her up.

Life will get easier and I’m sure the pain will lessen, but this being a year of firsts is so tough. I’m one strong, independent person, but I’ll tell you what…losing my mom has changed me in ways that are hard to explain. I’m more grateful and forgiving and I’m more patient. Hard to believe how much losing someone can make you re-think life. I will never take anything for granted anymore. Tomorrow it might not be here.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Anyone see my grumpy pants?

I am so in need of putting on my grumy pants today. My morning has already gone to shit! I wake up feeling like crap (thanks George or AKA Aunt Flo). So I'm walking around getting ready at home and I'm just moody as f_ck. Poor LW. I didn't talk because I was afraid I would spew venom if I opened my mouth. I can become one big pain in the ass when George stops by.

And then I'm at work fumbling through stacks of paper on my desk when I knock over my Diet Dr Pepper. My first thought was "How will I get through the day without my caffeine?" The next thought was "Oh shit, it's on my keyboard!" Damn I had a mess to clean up and I'm still short on caffeine. POOP

THEN I hop onto a conference call and drink said drink above when a big drop dribbles out of my mouth onto my white shirt! Seriously? I woke up for this today????

And I'm 10 minutes away from logging onto another conference call where I'll get my ass ripped by this moody customer.

Happy happy joy joy. Go the f_ck back to bed!

Friday, October 24, 2008

I love the Nestie Girls!

Ever since I joined The Knot/The Nest/The Columbus Nesties board I have come out of my little shell. I have always loved meeting new people, but have always been "shy" about it. Yes peeps I can get shy!! But during my divorce and my mom's passing, I've realized just how much each of those girls on that chatboard mean to me. So many send cards...thoughts and prayers...etc. I love going to lunches, to bookclub, to Bunco, to game nights, to happy hours, to their homes. I love socializing with each of those girls.

I love watching their babies grow up. I love wishing each of them a Happy Birthday. And I'm glad I can be there in their time of need.

I'm not 100% super close with any of my girlfriends. I think that goes back to how I was raised (long story for another day). But when I log onto the Nest in the morning I see how much we all care about one we all grieve we all laugh together and how we all wish each other success and happiness.

I'm blessed to have found that board. I've made so many friends and I hope that those friendships last a very long time.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Hockey, hockey, hockey!!

LW and I had so much fun at the hockey game last night. He surprised me with lower bowl seats. OMG I have never sat in the lower bowl. We were so close to the ice that I could have hit Nash with a rock. HA! We were seated more behind Vancouver's bench than the Blue Jackets bench, but none the less I could see facial expressions on the players!!!

And the Blue Jackets won....4 - 2 !! That never happens when I go to a game. :-)

It was nice to talk and laugh with LW. I wish I knew hockey better so I could explain the rules to him, but I explained what I knew and he seemed content with that. See he's a basketball/volleyball official so he was very curious about the rules and regulations and was trying to understand what the officials were calling. At one point he chuckled because he heard a guy behind us yell something to the official. I think he gets that a lot too so he could sympathize.

Anyway, we had a great time. He's definately in the 'surprise' mode lately. Guess I need to up my game. HA!

Monday, October 20, 2008


Why does the word death bring tears to my eyes? My best friend just called me to tell me that her husband's grandmother just passed away. And just last week I had two co-worker's who's grandparents past away. When I was told about all three of these deaths I couldn't help but sit here and just cry. I know their pain. I feel how bad their hearts hurt and I know what it's like to go through a loved ones belongs and fondly remember.

I wish I didn't know how that felt, but I have to face that part of being human is dying.

I wonder how I am going to help my best friend through this when I can't even help myself through the pain sometimes. I know it's much different losing a parent than a grandparent but still I need to be there for her family. When my mom died she was the first person I called. I can't even remember the conversation. Between the disbelief of losing my mother and the hysterical crying fits I know she was listening to me and trying to do her best to be with me at a time when I was all alone.

I'm sending Nichole and Rusty prayers and love. I wish I could do more. I hope they understand that she is in such a better place where she won't hurt any more.


LW told me last night that he told his youngest daughter about me. I guess he sat her down and told her that daddy "has a lady friend." Her response was "I thought you might have a girlfriend since you always go upstairs to talk on the phone." HA!!! How observant are little ones???

I'm not sure he told the oldest about me yet. Since she lives in Arizona he may wait until he sees her face to face. Not sure. However the youngest daughter (K) and the oldest daughter (L) talk on the phone all the time, so I'm sure L will know before too long.

I just hope this means that I get to meet them soon. Both of them sound so adorable. I'm anxious, nervous and excited all wrapped up in one.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

My crazy, fun, busy weekend!

I'm so tired from this weekend. I don't think I stopped running until today! And even this stupid head cold I have couldn't keep me down for too long.

Friday night I went out to dinner with my friends Bev, Brad and Chad. Brad turned 50 so we went to Mezzo at Creekside for dinner. The food was wonderful, the drinks were so yummie (they have the BEST Riesling!) and the company was great. After dinner we headed to Chad's to play cards. We ended up playing Phase 10. Such a fun game!!! It's a lot like rummy (I've never played but that's what they told me). After we got tired of drinking and playing cards, we watched "The Happening". Not a bad movie, but not a good movie. Eventually I made it home (around 2:30am!)...crawled into bed...and slept the boose and the night away.

Saturday I awoke at 8am to my carbon monoxide detector beeping every minute. Eventually I crawled out of bed, stumbled to the garge to get the latter and then hoisted the latter up the stairs. As I was crawling up the latter I looked over my shoulder and noticed a HUGE sign out in my front yard (LW had his daughter this weekend). I hopped off the latter and went outside in my pajama's and found this:

Now how sweet was that??? And ladies it gets better, but I'll save that for later. After I chuckled and got a million goosebumps I went inside to text LW. He was so proud of himself! He put that out in my yard sometime between 2:30am and 8am!!!! He deserves a million points for that!!!

Later on I went to watch the OSU/Michigan State game with my friends from the ER. I went with them to an alumni event at the Columbus Museum of Art. It was so much fun!! After the game I went to LW's friend's house. His wife, Chris, was having a Silpada party. YAY - more jewelry!!! I feel so welcomed by his friends. It was so nice visiting with Chris and getting to know her friends. See Chris and I are alot alike....we are both white women with black men, both of us lost our mothers to lung cancer when we were in our 30's, both of us graduated from Groveport Madison High School and both of us have had trouble conceiving. We have such an amazing bond and I look forward to getting to know her better.

When Sunday rolled around I was exhausted. I woke up with the worst sinus pain and runny nose. I slept almost 12 hours, thus I didn't make it to church. BOO But LW saved the day when he came home with a small bouquet of fresh Gerbera daisies. How sweet is that? And he used the word "Love" when he signed the card. When he gave me the flowers he said he hopes I know how much I mean to him. And finally I do. I love that man!!!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Yawn....big stretch!!

I got into work before 7am today. Holy cow! Problem was I worked late last night and so did LW, so after work we walked over to Gordon Bierch for dinner. It was so nice because we sat outside and talked. I did not get to talk to him all day (boo, hiss, pout...I sound like a girl in love!), so it was nice to get all caught up.

After dinner we decided to leave my car downtown in the parking garage and just ride home together. All fine and dandy, but he made me get up at 5:30am because he likes to get into work early! I'll say....5:30am was a toughy but I did it! And here I sit one around. No sound other than the copier, furnance and computers. This could turn into a kidnapping situation and no one would know until probably 8. :)

Happy day my friends.

I'll be back.....

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Happy 40th Birthday Carol

Today was my friend Carol's 40th birthday. For obvious reasons those of us that work with her just HAD to decorate her office. he he

SOO....with the help of other co-workers, we created a 'barn yard' theme. Yes we had straw, a horse bridel, rope, a cowboy hat, feed, plastic farm animals and a toy farm, along with 40th birthday gear. See Carol lives in Amanda, a.k.a. The Village, so the farm/barn yard theme was appropriate. And to top it all off her son had a goat that was shown in the Fairfield County fair last week! HA

I think she was greatly surprised. Happy 40th Birthday Carol!! I hope it was a good one filled with love, happiness and a little goat humor.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Painful Conversation

Last night LW and I went to Bon Vie to celebrate 5 months of dating. We had a wonderful dinner with wine and then headed to Game Works to kill time before our movie. After getting my hiney kicked at every game, except for some car race (yes I feel like Danica Patrick!), we went to the movie Lakeview Terrace. It was a great movie that explored interacial marriage, ironcially. Without spoiling the movie, I will say that Samuel L Jackson was wonderful and would scare me as a neighbor!HA

After the movie we went to Adobe Gilas to have a drink and listen to some music. The music got too loud...damn we're we headed to Bar Louie to sit and talk. We had great conversation about black and white people dating, children, etc. I was curious to hear his perspective on the two of us dating and how he perceives how people see us as an interacial couple. He's more use to it than I, as he dated his last girlfriend for 10 years and she was white and of course his daughter is bi-racial. It was a good conversation for us to have. But then the conversation went south. So south that when we left the bar we weren't sure if we were going to stay together.

The arguement/disagreement had NOTHING to do with our race situation. It had everything to do with my feelings about being a mother. He is certain that he does not want any more children and I cannot fault him for that. He's raised two beautiful daughters so why in the world would he want to start all over again? But I on the other hand am not sure I want children, but I don't want that opportunity to be taken away from me because I'm with a man who doesn't want them.

I'm on the fence about having children. I want them one day and then next day I'm grateful for my relaxed life. But if I ever want children, I want to know that my partner is on board. But sadly LW is not. And that is okay for him, but for me it makes me hurt inside. We want to be together so bad but it's so hard because of my conflicting feelings about children. My health (fertility wise) has always been questionable. I suppose that's part of the reason I'm on the fence. My heartached when I couldn't get pregnant that emotionally I don't think I want to go through that again.

Long story short though..we kissed and made up. He understands where I am coming from and I understand him. The question is, how do we make this work? It's clear we are madly in love with each other. I think I'm going to leave it in God's hands. Only he can help me understand what is right.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Pastor Meredith

As most of you know I attended my mom's church on Sunday. It was very emotional for me being there, but in a sense I found peace within myself. Anyway, I'm not sure I mentioned this in my post about going to her church, but Pastor Meredith's mother in law died that very morning during the service actually. So of course the pastor was emotional as well. When I left the church I shook his hand and told him that his family will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

Fast forward to Wednesday. I receive a letter in the mail from the pastor thanking me for my visit and how he knows it's an emontional time for myself and my family, etc. And in his letter he said it must have been fate (not the exact word, but I can't remember his exact words) that I was with him the very day he was losing his mother in law (he was with my family and I the day my mom died - ironically he left the hospital about an hour or two before she died). That part of the letter sent chills down my spin. I feel as if somehow I was meant to be at church that morning. Was my mom asking me to be there for him like he was there for me (and her)? None the less, I was grateful I was there to offer my condolences and respect. Pastor Meredith is a good man and my mom was so happy with him as her pastor.

Saddly I found out that he has just been diagnosed with Parkinson's. I hope he's well enough to continue on with his work, because he is an amazing man and I am SO grateful that my life crossed paths with his.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Five Months Today

Yippeee! LW and I are celebrating five months of being together today. This morning he got into the shower before me and once my lazy butt could get out of bed he came up to me and gave me a huge hug and a kiss and said "Happy five months." HE REMEMBERED! AAHHHH

We are not celebrating tonight as he is officiating a volleyball game, so tomorrow we are going to Bon Vie at Easton and then to a movie. I'm so excited.

Maybe soon he'll say 'it'. :)

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Happy Wednesday Peeps

I really have nothing new to report. What's up with that? I'm usually full of conversation. I might be back after I've had a couple of shots of caffeine! HA

I will ask that anyone who can, keep LW's family in your thoughts and prayers as his brother will be going to Iraq this Friday. I know it's an emotional time for them.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Emotional Weekend

While I had a very nice, relaxing weekend, it was a rather emotional one for me.

Saturday would have been my 5 year wedding anniversary. I'm not grieving the loss of my marriage, but more the loss of being part of a family. My family isn't all that close so B's family filled such a huge void. I miss them. I miss laughing with the girls and being a part of a yearly Thanksgiving tradition of drinking beer with the boys at a pub the day after Thanksgiving. I also miss the family feeling that comes with being married. I'm not saying you can't get that in a relationship like what LW and I have, but we're not there yet, as much as I wish we were. I pray for someday though.

Sunday I got up and went to my mom's church. The entire drive I was crying and thinking about how I should be picking her up for church or meeting her in the back of the church where she always sat. When I made it through the double doors, I felt a sense of comfort and I let the flood gates go. I ran into so many people I knew through her and even the pastor came up to me before the service to wish me a blessed day and to make sure my family and I are doing well. I felt so at home! When I sat down a lady held my hand and let me cry and told me stories about my mom. Such a wonderful woman to make sure I was okay.

During the service the pastor announced that they had a very special visitor today. When they announced that I was there the entire congregation errupted in applause and I even got some 'aws'. It was emotional. After the service my mom's best friend, who I haven't seen since the funeral, came up to me and hugged me with all she had and told me I better be coming back. Right then and there I made a commitment to come back in two weeks. It felt so good being around my mom's church family. I can't wait to go back! I even ran into an old high school friend.

After church I drove to the cemetary and chatted with my mom. She gave me so much strength yesterday. And because of her I'm going to become a better person.

The rest of Sunday was glorious and peaceful.

Hope all of you had a great weekend!

Friday, October 3, 2008

Is he ever gonna say it?

Sometimes I wonder if I am wasting my time. It's almost five months since LW and I have been dating and he still hasn't even come close to telling me how he feels. The most he can say is "I like you alot." I'm a woman, I need more than that. If I'm not making him happy then I need to know. And if I do make him happy, I'd like to know that too. It hurts not having any idea how he feels. He never says anything sweet like "I like being here with you", or "You make me happy", etc. He just does sweet things, which is great, but sometimes I wanna hear how happy I make him.

Am I wasting time here? Is he ever going to feel the way I do? Am I really that un-loveable? It's all just so frustrating. I have given everything I got to him...I've told him how I feel, I take care of him, I listen whenever he talks (he's not a talker), and I try to show everyday, how much I do love him. Why don't I feel that way in return?

Next week is five months and I know nothing more than what I did the night of our first date. ::sigh:: I'm tired of being the reject.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Shoot I've been tagged!

Thanks Simi! HA I don't know how to play this, but after reading Julie's blog I'm certain I just have to give 7 random facts about me.

1. I won two beauty contests when I was younger. Miniture Miss Queen in 1984 and Teen Beauty Queen in 1988. Yes folks, I once was a pretty girl. HA!

2. I knew Neil Patrick Harris from high school. Both of us went to high school in New Mexico and he was in the same band competition that I was in. Of course if you asked him who I was he'd probably say "Dunno, don't care."

3. I once ate so many oranges that I ended up with Vitamin C posioning. I was one sick little girl. We lived in Florida at the time...go figure!

4. I called my VP at one of my old jobs a dork one time, hence the nickname Dork. People could NOT believe I did that. Truly it was a slip of the tongue. Dork was always a filler word for me.

5. I've had the same cell phone number since 1999. It's been a long time!

6. I've been married and divorced twice. Both men had the name of Brian. I will never date another Brian again!!!!

7. I'm very OCD. I can tell you where everything is in my house. Nothing is out of place. And if you were to move something, I would move it back. ARRGGHHH

Now don't you feel like you know me a whole lot better? HA!!!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

I feel so whiney.

I know people are tired of me talking about my mom and blaming all of my saddness on the fact that she is gone. I'm sure in the back of people's minds they are saying "Get over it already." But I can't and I don't know why.

Maybe it's because I sit behind a computer all day and I have nothing but time. Time to think about things I should have said and done. Time to regret all sorts of things. Where is the time I need to heal? I heard a song by Mariah Carey this morning called "Bye Bye" and I can't help but feel every emotion when listening to that song.

Maybe when I'm done with my year of "firsts" I'll finally be able to let go alittle with the whining. Last night I was talking to my SIL and we were talking about my mom and I just said "I miss her." And that's all it took to get me crying. I know my SIL understands as she lost her dad several years back to a heartattack. She NEVER got to say goodbye. At least I did. And I'm grateful for that.

I suppose the hurt will go away or lessen with time. But as I sit here at work, with the biggest tears streaming down my face, I wonder when I'll be able to just smile and remember my mom, rather than cry or feel compelled to write about it?

Sunday I am taking a big step and attending the church my mom loved so much. I want to go and see how her friends are. To feel her presence through them. I plan to sit in the very seat she loved to sit in. Say Hello to the very friends she loved. Maybe then I'll feel healed.

Monday, September 29, 2008

I miss my dad.

He lives in Nevada.

Which is too far away.

It's not fair that I can't see him whenever I want.

I might surprise him and go out to see him at Christmas.

It will get my mind of the anniversary of losing my mother if I could see him then.

He's still not well and is partially blind.

Whenever we talk lately he's so sad.

You know what would be better is my brother and I chipping in on airfare for a Christmas present!!!!

Damn I'm smart.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

What a klutz

Besides my pride, I hurt my elbow, knee, hip, shoulder, back and hand when the right side of my body met the pavement Saturday during bootcamp with Nancy. Yes folks, I was working out, in front of my man, head held high and looking good, or so I thought, until out of no where the pavement jumped up and tripped me! I went tumbling, threw my weights and sat there on the pavement deciding if I should cry or have LW pick me up. I sat there with my legs crossed for a couple of minutes, and then I quickly jumped up, realizing all that hurt.

Later Saturday evening I tried to play the Wii over at Staci's house and it didn't go so well for me because my entire body ached with every movement. Today I feel even worse. I hope and pray my achey ass can make it to work tomorrow. If I sit for too long then someone has to help me up! HA

Damn does it suck getting old.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

One Year Ago

One year ago this very month I found out my mother had lung cancer. I remember sitting at home thinking what life would be like without my mom. My mom had always been very sick growing up, but my mom was the strongest woman I knew, and there was NO WAY she wasn't going to survive this. Guess God decided he needed another angel.

In a couple of Sundays I want to attend my mom's church and remember all she loved about being a Christian. I have not been able to attend her church since she died. Too many memories as that was the very last place I saw my mom before we took her to the cemetary. Her grave lays less than a half a mile away from the church. Funny how I pass the church every time I go to see her and every time I want to cry. She loved her church. She loved her church family. Whenever I visit her grave there are pennies around the base of the headstone. That's how I know her friends have been there. My mom never passed a penny on the street that she didn't pick up. :-)

As Winter appoaches I'm reminded just how special life is. I've tried very hard this year to make amends with myself and to reach out to my friends and family. Sometimes it's tough for me because I prefer to take care of others, rather than have people take care of me. I haven't been the nicest person, but I know I'm trying. I haven't been the most giving person, but I know I'm trying. And I certainly haven't laughed like I had in years past, but I know I'm trying.

I miss you Mom. I really really do.

"Ordinary" by Wayne Brady

I love love this Wayne Brady song. It makes me think of LW.

All of our friends keep saying we should be more social
Cuz we keep to ourselves most of the time
They just don't understand what we've got going on
Cuz a love like this is so hard to find
Don't want to live by no one else's designs
Though every day ain't glamorous; To me it's just fine
Unperfect the way that we are oooh

Nothing ordinary bout the way I feel
Nothing un-extraordinary this is real
Don't need to reach for the stars
Happy here on earth in our beautiful ordinary life
I love my beautiful ordinary life with you

Why don't we spend the day, doing a lot of nothing?
Cuz anything's alright long as I'm with you Baby
We don't need special plans, don't need no reservations
Cuz my favorite place is right here with you
Don't want to live my life any other way
Cuz baby, it's the simple things that can't be replaced
Unperfect the way that we are.


Like watching you sleep, the way that your paint your toes
The crazy way we, count to three before we hang up the phone
See the life that I live, is so much better girl when you're here with me
Nothing, nothing.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

OSU vs Troy

What a fun day I had with my brother and his BIL and niece. We had so much fun tailgating for the Ohio State vs Troy football game.

We arrived at Planks Pizza on Parsons at 8am! We ate breakfast and started drinking screwdrivers. HA I haven't drank that early in YEARS!

At 9am we boarded the Planks Party Bus which shuttled us to the game. The bus was packed, wall to wall, with people. Beer was being consumed on the bus and there were coolers filled to the brim with beer. Once the bus parked, the grills were fired up with brats and hot dogs on them.

About an hour before the game we started the trek to the stadium. On the way to the stadium we got to see the many faces of Brutus. They were so cool!!!! If you have yet to see them, you must make a trip to the Schott to see them. We stopped and took several pictures along the way and we also ran into my best friend's husband and her kids. They were so excited because it was their first OSU game.

The game was fun, but boy was it hot outside. Still it was great to spend the day with my brother.


Friday, September 19, 2008

Damn, they fit!!!!

I have on a pair of jeans that my squishy ass could hardly fit into in January!!!! When my mom was sick and dying, I had put on some extra weight (I was at my highest weight ever when she died). Stress and saddness can do that to you. But damn! When I put on my jeans today they felt great! Granted, I'm still not at a size I'm happy with, but at least I can fit into my jeans, pre-mom-sickness.

Last night I worked out with a fellow Nestie (yay Simi!), ate pretty well all day, and got a great night of sleep. That makes working out three nights in a row!!! YAY. Tonight I will take it easy and work in the yard. My yard definately needs some loving attention! HA!

Here's to hoping Mr. Goodbar stays outta my mouth today. Julie, he can be a nasty man!!!!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Bad, bad girl!

As hard as I tried, Mr. Goodbar snuck his way into my mouth yesterday...not once but twice. I'm so mad at myself for being so stupid. He just stared me down and that's all it took. Well that and spending an hour with a co-worker trying to resolve a problem that no one understood!!! See, I'm a stress eater.

I did eat well despite and only had a couple of sips of wine at dinner. And I even did 30 minutes of cardio at the gym last night. YAY ME!!!!

Today will be better and tonight I am going back to see Nancy. How's that for trying to battle the fat crisis I'm in?

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

I'm outing my fat again!

Cause if I don't, then I won't lose it!!! I did awesome with eating yesterday, with the exception of eating TWO pumpkins. You know those marshmallow or maramallow kind (the candy corn stuff). And I could have had six for 150 calories, so I didn't do bad at all.

But I went to see Nancy and holy cow, I'm sore today. But that's a good thing. We talked about my diet and my stresses, so hear me fat when I say, I won't eat cheese like I do now and I will avoid chocolate as much as humanly possible!!!! (I figure if I talk to my fat, it will get scared and hide! HA)

Today I will eat better and tonight I will be at the gym. Even if I would really rather be shopping for a black Coach purse!!!! HA

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Dear Fat

I hope you're listening to me when I say, I f-ing HATE that you made me gain 4 pounds in two weeks. You can try and make me cry all you want, but it's not going to work. I'm stronger than you and I will fight you and win. It may take longer than I once thought, but some how, some way I am going to win this battle.

I will avoid stress eating and I will avoid chocolate as much as possible. Just because the candy dish full of chocolate is sitting next to me at work, doesn't mean I have to eat it. I look at you and think I want a piece, but soon I will realize your tricky ways. You can't sneak up on me anymore!!!

I will lose this weight. I know I will. 137.5 will be the last high number I see on my scale. DO YOU HEAR ME???!!!!

Take that FAT!

Monday, September 15, 2008

Holy Wind Batman!

My internet and cable were out most of yesterday due to some crazy wind that Ike had left in his sails. At one point I thought I was gonna be clicking my heels together and flying through the sky in my little house, minus the dog Toto of course. Thankfully my house survived the wind, but I lost a mum that went rolling down the street and my precious new Ohio State windsock (take that OSU for a crappy game on Saturday!).

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Footprints in the Sand

I love this song by Leona Lewis. It makes me cry, but it also makes me think of all of the friends who love me and who have been there for me. I don't know why I never paid attention to the lyrics before!

"Footprints In The Sand"

You walked with me
Footprints in the sand
And helped me understand
Where I'm going

You walked with me
When I was all alone
With so much unknown
Along the way

And just when I
I thought I'd lost my way
You gave me strength to carry on
That's when I heard you say

I promise you
I'm always there
When your heart is filled with sorrow
And despair

And I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand
When I'm weary
Well I know you'll be there
Cause I can feel you
When you say

I promise you
I'm always there
When your heart is filled with sadness and despair
Oh, I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand


When your heart is full of sadness and despair
I'll carry you
When you need a friend

I promise you
I'm always there
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints
In the sand

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Hodge Podge of CRAP

- I have a torn hamstring
- My ex is probably seeing my ex friend
- I couldn't workout tonight because of stupid torn hamstring
- I miss LW terribly (both of us have been super busy)
- I want my mom back
- I wish I had a new iPod

Anyway nothing exciting. I'm home with ice on my ass.


Sunday, September 7, 2008

Baldwin Reception

Holy cow, what a fun night LW and I had at a friend's wedding reception at Buckeye Lake. We ate, danced, drank and socialized all night. Infact we didn't even roll out of bed until after 11am today.

Somehow I wound up with a hang over and a huge bruise on the back of my leg....and I don't think that's from the running man dance I was doing with a 6 and 15 year old on the dance floor either. HA!!!!

Lots of Tuaca was consumed and the gaggle of girls who were at the bachelorette party the weekend before couldn't have been happier. Personally I had three pieces of cake...damn it was good. Just don't tell my trainer Nancy!!!

Below are some of the pictures from the reception.