Monday, December 29, 2008

My year of firsts is over.

Today marks the one year anniversary of my Mom’s death. I look back a year ago and I can remember getting the phone call at 6am…rushing around to put clothes on, brush my teeth and get out the door so that I can hold my Mom’s hand one last time and tell her I love her and say good-bye. I realize I’m fortunate that I got to say good-bye to my Mom but that doesn’t make the pain any less easier to bare.

I was the first family member to arrive at the hospital. The nurses were talking to me and comforting me and I could not hear them or see them. My mind was blank, my heart was empty. All I could focus on was my Mom’s big eyes looking up at me telling me it was time to let her go.

Painfully as the hours ticked by my family and I sat with my Mom. We called in my Mom’s pastor to administer last rights. We also called several of her friends so that they could come say good-bye. At one point my Mom, who was totally unconscious at this point, was laughing hysterically. I can only hope that she was on her way to heaven and saw her friends and family that had passed away over the years. My best guess is her beloved dog Minnie was at heaven’s door wagging her tail as my Mom entered into a new life.

Just before 4:30pm when the room was dark and quiet and the only people in the room were myself, my brother and my two sisters, my Mom drew her last breath. It was peaceful and sad all at once. I remember when the nurse walked in and told us she was gone I asked if she could please put another blanket on my Mother because she was cold. Even though she was gone I couldn’t stand the thought of her feeling an ounce of coldness.

My drive home was ridiculously painful. I was single at the time so I was going home to a lonely place…no husband/boyfriend…no children. Just a quiet house. I remember being angry and taking down my Christmas decorations and feeling sorry for myself. Not a moment I was proud of. Although I guess it was better than laying on the couch…at least I was up and doing something…angry or not.

Thank you to the many of you who have listened to me over the year…comforted me and most of all who reminded me that I am fortunate to have such a wonderful group of friends and family who support me. My year of firsts is finally over. I feel now that I will be able to dig deep inside of me and move on and celebrate her life and not mourn her death. That’s what she would want me to do.


Liz said...

Danica, you are such a strong woman. It's amazing how far you've come in this past year. I think your mom would be proud to see how much you've grown as a person!

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Only you would know the right time to begin celebrating her life although I know that there will still moments of sadness and tears. Allow them to fall. To push them away and not acknowledge those tears would be like stuffing the emotions that are necessary to move forward in celebrating.

Your mom is not gone, she is with you in every rainbow, scent of a flower, laughter of a child, wind in the trees, smell of warm cookies baking...she's still with you through every part of your life.

I'm glad that you can now see the strength that you possess to keep on going. Cling to those precious memories of your mom.

May your new year be extra special!!

jannypie said...

hugs to you

Trisha.R.Jackson said...

(((hugs))) She's looking down at you right now and smiling proudly.

sarah said...

oh, danica. the biggest hugs and smooches to you. you are brave and strong. i admire you!!



Coloradolady said...

Hugs to you. I felt your pain in this post. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope this next year brings a calming peace to heal your heart. I know it is hard, this year for some reason was really hard on me, I missed my grandmother so much it was unbelievable....she has been gone 20 years. I don't know why it was this year that the pain came to the surface again.
Hugs to you! I am glad I found your blog this year.