Friday, November 7, 2008

Emotionally Spent

I was up all last night tossing and turning...on the couch no less...about work, missing my mom, and things with LW. I'm emotionally torn to pieces right now. I try hard and keep a smile on my face but really I'm just a big ole mess on the inside. I honestly don't think that anyone how knows me knows what's going on.

I miss my mom. Plain and simple. I don't know how to get through these next two months without her. Knowing she'll never see another snowflake (she loved snow), or hear another Christmas song, or see her grandkids grow into amazing people...it hurts. The pain is so deep and so fresh and so raw. And it all feels so unfair. I try hard to not show physical emotion around people. I cry on my drive home from work or the gym, most every night. I'm too afraid to ask LW for hug for fear he'll think I'm falling apart and leave me. It's tough. I know it's not suppose to be easy, but I certainly didn't think it would be this hard.

And work...I hate my job. I hate it. I'm good at it and the pay is wonderful, but I'm unhappy. I have never wanted to work in IT...it just kind of happened and the money is certainly the reason I've stayed in it for so long. I dream of working with volunteer organizations and making money for homeless shelters, animal shelters...etc. I dream of helping people reach their dreams. I just don't know how to get there? It frustrates me to no end.

Then of course there is LW. Sunday marks 6 months together. He still won't tell me he loves me. I can't tell you how much that hurts. I know he shows me love in other ways, but seriously, is it that hard to tell me you love me??? I miss hearing someone tell me they love me. I know some people might think it's just words...but those are words I take seriously and if after 6 months he can't tell me, then perhaps he doesn't feel that way about me. I try to talk to him about it, but he'll quickly change the subject or simply say, you know I like you. I need more. I want more. And I tell him....and still no change.

I'm sorry. I'm just frustrated today. And it doesn't help that LW snapped at me this morning (long story - maybe I deserved it). Being an adult sucks.

8 comments:

Liz said...

(((hugs))) It takes time. It's hard to go through all the firsts without your mom. As time passes, it'll get a little easier, but you'll never not miss her. It's ok to cry. It's ok to ask LW for a hug. If he leaves you because you need a hug and a shoulder to cry on, then he's not the man you should be with anyway.

And I'm just a phone call (or a PM) away if you need a hug (or an ear or a shoulder) :)

Amy said...

I understand how difficult not having Mom around is, I go through it every day. If I can be of any solice or comfort, please PM or email me, b/c I do understand. November is Lung Cancer Awareness month. I wear pearl for my Mom.

Harleygirl said...

Big hugs D-I know what you are going through-my moms b-day is coming up on the 15th and it is so hard not to call her, not to mention my grandma died on the 11th-sucky month-it will get easier I promise-hang in there-and you should never be afraid to ask LW for a hug that is what he is there for, and I agree with Liz! email or pm me if you EVER need to talk!!!

Julie said...

Honey, I think you need to remember one thing. Your mom may not be *here*, but she's still seeing snowflakes, she's still seeing her grandchildren, she's still taking care of you. You just can't see it happening for yourself. She has the best view of your life ever! Her spirit is still here, honey, and it lives in you, and in her other children and their children and her friends and everyone who knew and loved her and were touched by her life.

I'm going to say this to you with a whole lot of love, but I think it's time for you to get some grief counseling. Just think about it.

I don't know what to tell you about LW. Maybe he just isn't an "I love you" kind of guy. Or maybe you just need to start saying it to him....

Danica Lynn said...

@Julie...I have thought about it. Part of me thinks I just need to be more occupied...go back to school, scrapbook, kick ass in the gym. When I have too much down time...I think too much.

Emily said...

*hugs*

I am so sorry, girlie. I can't imagine how hard not having your mom around must be. But like the other girls said, she's here - and she's with you every day! And it's definitely OK to cry... and ask LW for a hug or to listen. That's what partners are for - and like Liz said, if that causes him to leave - then he's no one you should have in your life!

travel girl said...

I still miss my Mom everyday and she has been gone 4 years. The pain will lessen with time.

The love of my life never told me he loved me in the 5 years we were together. I know he loved me, showed me everyday, but I too wanted to hear him say it. Eventually, it didn't bother me as much because his actions spoke louder than words.

Hang in there.

J'Ollie Primitives said...

Kudos to Julie. Very well said.

Sounds like you're carrying a few too many burdens right now. Please do consider counseling, it could be helpful (this is from the Queen of I.Hate.To.Discuss.My.Feelings)