Saturday, October 11, 2008

Painful Conversation

Last night LW and I went to Bon Vie to celebrate 5 months of dating. We had a wonderful dinner with wine and then headed to Game Works to kill time before our movie. After getting my hiney kicked at every game, except for some car race (yes I feel like Danica Patrick!), we went to the movie Lakeview Terrace. It was a great movie that explored interacial marriage, ironcially. Without spoiling the movie, I will say that Samuel L Jackson was wonderful and would scare me as a neighbor!HA

After the movie we went to Adobe Gilas to have a drink and listen to some music. The music got too loud...damn we're we headed to Bar Louie to sit and talk. We had great conversation about black and white people dating, children, etc. I was curious to hear his perspective on the two of us dating and how he perceives how people see us as an interacial couple. He's more use to it than I, as he dated his last girlfriend for 10 years and she was white and of course his daughter is bi-racial. It was a good conversation for us to have. But then the conversation went south. So south that when we left the bar we weren't sure if we were going to stay together.

The arguement/disagreement had NOTHING to do with our race situation. It had everything to do with my feelings about being a mother. He is certain that he does not want any more children and I cannot fault him for that. He's raised two beautiful daughters so why in the world would he want to start all over again? But I on the other hand am not sure I want children, but I don't want that opportunity to be taken away from me because I'm with a man who doesn't want them.

I'm on the fence about having children. I want them one day and then next day I'm grateful for my relaxed life. But if I ever want children, I want to know that my partner is on board. But sadly LW is not. And that is okay for him, but for me it makes me hurt inside. We want to be together so bad but it's so hard because of my conflicting feelings about children. My health (fertility wise) has always been questionable. I suppose that's part of the reason I'm on the fence. My heartached when I couldn't get pregnant that emotionally I don't think I want to go through that again.

Long story short though..we kissed and made up. He understands where I am coming from and I understand him. The question is, how do we make this work? It's clear we are madly in love with each other. I think I'm going to leave it in God's hands. Only he can help me understand what is right.


Liz said...

Lots of hugs Danica!!! I'm sorry that you hurt so much. I can't imagine that it's very easy for you. But, I am glad you and LW made up :)

Julie said...

Oooh. OK do I say what I want to say, or what you want to hear?

Yep, we've met me. Don your crash helmet and hold on...

Honey, everything I know about you screams that you want to have a child. I feel a lot of your "on the fence" issue is just simply fear of wanting one, and finding out you can't have one.

I understand where LW is coming from. But I do not want to see you tie yourself down to someone who doesn't want more children. I don't care how "madly in love" you are, how in love will you be in a couple of years when your biological clock is so loud it's keeping you up at night, and he refuses to have more kids? And do you love him enough to go through the rest of your life without raising a child of your own? And what happens if 10 years down the road you two break up, and you are too old to pursue the option then?

As your friend and someone who loves you with all my heart, I hope you think long and hard about this. Don't give up your options because you're afraid of growing old alone.

(And don't hate me for speaking my mind! You know I can't help myself!!)

Anonymous said...

I'm going to quote a very, very wise woman..."Honey, everything I know about you screams that you want to have a child. I feel a lot of your "on the fence" issue is just simply fear of wanting one, and finding out you can't have one."

I know how you feel, as I, too, am on the fence sometimes. I want at least one child more than I want to keep breathing sometimes, but other times, I get scared that A) it won't happen, and B) that I might not be able to do it because of my health. So then I try to tell myself that "maybe I just don't really want kids".

But the scariest thing in the world for me is to go through the rest of my childbearing years without the OPTION of having them at any time I so choose, and lose my chance.

Give it some more time, sweetie, and really think it through. We can't predict what life will bring, but we can make the best of the decisions we make.


Amy said...

wow...what a tough conversation it must have been, but even though I do not know you personally, I have to say think about this decision seriously..I too am on the fence some days about children, I like my carefree, relaxed, do what we want, how do I know that's how I am going to feel in 10 years....then I am 46 and childless, and at that age..there won't be kids. Take your time, really think what makes you say, I want kids and then what also really makes you say, Nah, I don't want kids..and then follow the one that makes your heart, day in and out happy.