Wednesday, October 1, 2008

I feel so whiney.

I know people are tired of me talking about my mom and blaming all of my saddness on the fact that she is gone. I'm sure in the back of people's minds they are saying "Get over it already." But I can't and I don't know why.

Maybe it's because I sit behind a computer all day and I have nothing but time. Time to think about things I should have said and done. Time to regret all sorts of things. Where is the time I need to heal? I heard a song by Mariah Carey this morning called "Bye Bye" and I can't help but feel every emotion when listening to that song.

Maybe when I'm done with my year of "firsts" I'll finally be able to let go alittle with the whining. Last night I was talking to my SIL and we were talking about my mom and I just said "I miss her." And that's all it took to get me crying. I know my SIL understands as she lost her dad several years back to a heartattack. She NEVER got to say goodbye. At least I did. And I'm grateful for that.

I suppose the hurt will go away or lessen with time. But as I sit here at work, with the biggest tears streaming down my face, I wonder when I'll be able to just smile and remember my mom, rather than cry or feel compelled to write about it?

Sunday I am taking a big step and attending the church my mom loved so much. I want to go and see how her friends are. To feel her presence through them. I plan to sit in the very seat she loved to sit in. Say Hello to the very friends she loved. Maybe then I'll feel healed.

5 comments:

erinann said...

I has never once even crossed my mind that you are whiney or that you need to get over it. I can't imagine the pain you are suffering. Time helps heal but not fully! Much love my friend!

Julie said...

Honey, there is no time limit on grieving. Feel everything you need to, and don't worry about how or what other people think. You will never get over it, you will just learn how to live with it. Love you...

Simi said...

Your not whiney, your allowed to need to vent and share. Seriously.

I came to tell you you have been blog tagged... :) & to give you HUGS.

Em said...

Everyone grieves in their own ways and at their own pace, and there are a lot of times where things are going okay and then the sadness hits you out of nowhere. That sucks, and is so hard to cope with, but it's a totally normal part of grieving. You are not whining by talking about it, you're just expressing your hurt and loss.

I hope going to your mom's church this weekend brings you a little comfort by being with others who cared for her too.

(nestie E&D07)

Sarah Dee said...

Danica, grief is personal, and we each own our own grief. Our blogs are our special places to share that, you shouldn't feel sorry at all. I hope that you are able to find some peace at your Mother's church. {{{hug}}}