Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Can't figure things out.

I am constantly dreaming about my mom. I just don't understand this. I don't know if she's trying to tell me something, or if I'm trying to 'fix things' in my brain. It's become rather disturbing now. Last night I dreamt she had passed away and I'm at my brother's cleaning his place and her things are there. I could smell her lotion and I could sense her presence. Why does that happen?

I'm really struggling with these dreams. I know every time the 29th of the month hits I'm reminded that it is X number of months since she has passed. I've actually found myself crying in the mornings getting ready for work, or crying on my way to work, because that was the time I would always call to see if she needed anything.

Friday I have a dear friend coming into town. We grew up together and the first thing I thought about was calling my mom to invite her to the cookout with him. What? She's been gone over 8 months now. I just sat there and cried. Isn't it suppose to get easier as time passes? Or am I still living through a year full of firsts? I run to another room to cry when LW is around because I don't want him to feel guilty. His mom had called him Sunday and I ran to the other room to cry. I would give anything to have just one more day with my mom. There is SO MUCH I would say and do.

I'm on my way to hug LW shortly. I definately need that!


erin said...

sending you love and peace.