Saturday, August 30, 2008


Just had to throw out some Buckeye spirit this morning!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

I wanted to call my mom this week.

Every time I am off work and home I always think about calling her and asking her to go to lunch. We would always do that. I miss it so much it breaks my heart. When will the urge to call her stop?

My mom and I weren't super close growing up. In fact I spent a lot of my life being upset with her because of how she acted. She was an anorexic, alcoholic, pill popping, chelepto(how the hell do you spell that?). I know her life was hard (she grew up with money but I had an EVIL grandmother) and I assume it didn't turn out the way she expected. She wanted to party and us kids just got in the way. But I still loved her and I eventually, after many years of being angry, forgave her. Imagine being in 8th grade and sitting down in your history class with Mr. Bizzell, listening to the kids whisper about reading that my mom was arrested for theft (stole something from the grocery store). I was mortified! She moved out when I was in 8th grade, so I wasn't privy to her every day doings at that point.

But I loved my mom and we moved past all of that. Sadly I didn't move past it until maybe three years ago. I spent time with my mom, but not nearly enough. I can remember going months without talking to her. It's not fair. I want that time back, but I can't get it. All I can do is pray she forgives me as I have forgiven her.

I miss you Mom. I'm sorry.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

August 29, 2009

I had a dream I got married to Lawrence on this day. The only difference was he had a son not a daughter(s)....hum. I'm curious to see what will happen on this day.

More to come. Too bad I have to wait a year!!!! HA!!!!

Working my ars off!!!

I'm home and loving it this week. I feel like a stay at home wifey! HA Sure wish I could be. I'd be this productive all of the time!!!!

During my time off I have:

Worked out
Cleaned the ENTIRE house top to bottom - no cobwebs here baby!
Had the carpet cleaned
Cleaned out the garage
Cleaned out the basement
Weeded the entire yard
Pulled up two hostas and planted new flowering plants in their place
Potted three mums
Added decorative vases to my porch (neighbor inspired me!)
Watched a couple of movies I have been wanting to see (Georgia Rule and Sixteen Candles)
Got caught up on my soap opera
Had the oil changed in my car
Working on finishing a book for bookclub tomorrow

I have a few things left to do, but all in all, I've accomplished so much since I've been off.

Off to get a shower and scrapbook now. I'm working on a guest book for my friend for her wedding. I hope it turns out!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

One more day!

OMG one more day and I'm off work until Sept 2. I can't wait! I have so much on my to-do list:

1. Deep clean the house
2. Clean the basement
3. Clean the garage
4. Get the carpets cleaned
5. Work on Elizabeth's scrapbook
6. Power wash the house
7. Edge the yard
8. Wash my car
9. Work on my scrapbook
10. Have lunch with my girlfriend and her three kids
11. Get my mole removed
12. Go to book club
13. Work out
14. Get my hair fixed
15. Attend a party for Elizabeth
16. Have dinner with Staci and her mom
17. Celebrate my neice's birthday

SHEW I'm sure there is more!!! Thank goodness I can have the week off from work. Anything is better than working!!!

Monday, August 18, 2008

Crazy Hair

You asked for it, so here it crazy hair. These were taken the first day after I had it done, so my hair isn't styled all that great. I'm getting the hang of it now though. Still trying to decide if I like the blonde. I kind of wish it was a little less "yellow" and more "bleached".

Comments welcome as long as they are nice. HA HA!!!

Feeling Different

Recently I sat down with my doctor and together we decided that after 22 months it's time for me to slowly come down off of my anti-depressants. I am more than ready to function without them, but I am terrified of feeling weepy and defensive. 22 months ago I was going through my divorce and dealing with dating a crazy person, as well as watching my mother suffer from her illness. It was a tough decision on my part to go off of them given that my mother passed away almost 9 months ago, but like I told the doctor I am sad that my mother is gone; I am not depressed. I know she's in a better place where people don't suffer from illness.

So now the trick is feeling good again without medicine. I feel like I'm getting myself back, but I also have started to find I am a little stressed with certain things. I'm sensitive with the guy at work who is making fun of my hair, I cry when I think about how much I miss my mom. I do find that I have more energy and that I listen better and feel like having fun. Shouldn't the medicine make me feel that way more so then being off of the medicine? Confusing huh?

Only time will tell if I need to be placed back on them, but I am hopeful that I can fight the anti-depressant demon. I am blessed to have a wonderful man, the bestest of friends, a roof over my head, food to eat (and plenty of it), a job and so on. With love and support I can conquer anything. I firmly belive that. And I believe in myself.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Happy Birthday Lawrence

Yesterday was LW's birthday. Hopefully he had a nice day as we spent it together. I took him to a nice dinner in the evening and then we snuggled most of the night until I got sick (go figure) and ended up sleeping on the couch all night.

Still I couldn't bring myself to say I Love You. I think we tried to talk about it at dinner last night but both of us are relatively shy (yes I can be shy!) and the conversation was dropped. Hopefully by the year 2010 we'll have said it!

Looking forward to a nice weekend. I'll be alone, but with friends. LW is going out of town with his daughter to a reunion. A little sad about that....wish he would start including me on things like that. Maybe soon he will. I have yet to meet his daughters, so maybe after that I'll be included.

Have a super weekend ladies.

BTW Keep Hannah and Maggie in your prayers. Also thinking about Erin and Koley and of course any other person who has requested prayers. I'm thinking about you all!


Wednesday, August 13, 2008

To say 'it' or not to say 'it'?

When do you say "I love you" and it not sound so silly? I know he loves me, he knows I love him, we just can't form the words with our lips. I keep thinking I'm going to say it on his birthday (tomorrow), but what if he doesn't say it back? I'll feel stupid. I know I brought it up on vacation, but both of us were pretty drunk so I don't recall his reaction. POOP

::scratching head thinking::

Monday, August 11, 2008

So Grateful

I couldn't be happier with LW. I'm so grateful for his presence in my life. He reminds me to laugh, to be myself and to be confident. Three things I had forgotten over the last year or so. Many things happened last year that convinced me that I was destined to be alone. For awhile there, I started to accept the loneliness. And now, I'm out and about again. Laughing at get togethers, attending book clubs, working out, calling friends...and the list goes on.

And as of last Tuesday I am being weined off of my anti-depressants. Such a huge relief because I thought I would be taking those things forever. While they did help, I still felt 'medicated'. I want to feel naturally happy. And you know what? I finally am! I'm happier than when I was taking the medicine. Wow.

LW said it perfectly the other day when he said, he wasn't looking for a relationship. It found him. And that's exactly how I feel. Both of us just found each other. For that, I am grateful.

Monday, August 4, 2008

The Past is Haunting Me

I saw a blast from my past today.

And it hurt to see him.

He waved "Hi" (he was talking with others and so was I).

I waved.

I got upset.

Then I reminded myself how lucky I am to have LW.

Will I ever heal from what he did to me?

Or should I care?